Читать книгу Turn it Up! - Kelly DuPée - Страница 8

I will never forget the day when my wife Carrie said to me that she was not happy with our marriage. At that time, we had been married for five years or so, we had two kids and I thought everything was going great. I honestly do not remember the exact words she said, but she made it clear that she needed something from me that I was not giving her. She wanted me to do things that would make her feel loved. She wanted to feel she was special to me. I pointed at everything that I was doing around the house, and at how these actions sent the message that she and the kids were my priority. She told me that she was grateful for that, but she needed more. She gave me some suggestions like writing notes or giving inexpensive gifts to her, just because I loved her. She also craved my time; she wanted me to be home with her and the kids as much as I could because that also showed how much I loved her.

I went to bed that night and thought about how I could change. Her requests were not outrageous, they were reasonable. I realized that I needed to change on the inside and consciously thought about what I could do to make my wife feel special. The next morning, I got up early, went to buy fresh bagels at a shop in the neighborhood, made coffee, cut a rose from our garden, put it in a vase and brought her breakfast in bed. When she saw my response, she cried because she realized I understood her concerns. I responded in a way that demonstrated that I indeed loved her and that she was special to me. I am so thankful she had the courage to say something to me back then. We have been married now for over thirty years and, to this day, one of my top priorities in life is to make my wife feel special.

However, this conversation could have gone completely different. Suppose I had responded defensively and given excuses for the way I was treating Carrie, rather than listening to her concerns. Suppose I had started to blame her for the problem. I could have said, “It’s your fault; if you were a better wife, I would be a better husband.” Another way I could have responded is by listening, but then minimizing her concerns and simply keep on doing what I was doing. One more possible response could have been to reply with cold indifference, to let her know that I simply did not care about her concerns. If I had responded in any of these other ways, I wonder if our marriage would have lasted. The quality of it surely would have gradually diminished, and perhaps one day she would have blindsided me and asked for a divorce.