Читать книгу Turn it Up! - Kelly DuPée - Страница 9

As a pastor, marriage coach and chaplain, I have both couples and individuals come to me with marriages that are heading for divorce. The saddest part about the conversations I have with people in that situation is that many times it could have been prevented. Great marriages do not just happen, neither do divorces. Something occurs and I am suggesting to you that the first thing to go in a marriage is the connection between a husband and his wife. Many times it is not an adulterous affair which causes a divorce, but a simple drifting apart.¹ This happens when things turn down the health of a marriage and the couple does not know they can turn it back up.

Drifting apart is actually a betrayal. When a couple drifts apart, it is because one person is putting someone or something ahead of their spouse and marriage. This could be caused by spending time and developing a closeness with someone else instead of your wife or husband. It could also be prioritizing your work or hobbies over your marriage. Either way, your spouse will feel that they are not as important as something or someone else.

When a couple begins to drift apart and their connection weakens or someone in a relationship feels betrayed, one person notices it and usually says something. Women do tend to be a little more relationally attuned and sensitive to the quality of a connection. Because of that, it is often the wife who notices the drifting apart. She then goes to her husband and tries to talk to him about this, so that they can turn it up again. Often the husband does not see that anything is wrong, so he does not do anything about the situation. Her concerns are met with indifference and nothing changes. The relationship continues to weaken and she feels more lonely and isolated.

The one trying to connect can be called the pursuer and the one ignoring the pleas for connection can be called the pursued. Eventually, the pursuer gives up trying to connect and starts looking for love elsewhere. This is often where the extramarital affair or at least an emotional intimacy with another person comes into the picture.

Finally, the pursuer decides that she wants out and asks for a divorce. Her husband, the pursued, is completely blindsided. He was so oblivious to his wife’s needs that he did not see this coming. Once he is forced to face the ending of the marriage, he then springs into action and tries to change. He then tries to be the husband that his wife wanted him to be and to reestablish their connection. But oftentimes, it is too little too late. It’s the proverbial closing of the barn door after the horse has already run away and the marriage ends in divorce.

I am not saying that all divorces can be prevented, but I am suggesting that some can. The answer is to first look at the quality or brightness of your relationship, by asking the connection question regularly and then responding by turning it up again.