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Talking of cost, hands up who has paid a large amount of dosh for a cream that you rub in your thighs and bottom to get rid of cellulite? Oh, come on, you haven’t! And did it work? Did it get rid of the fat? Where did the fat go—to your stomach, your ankles, the bloodstream? If you had a bath in the cream, would you emerge slimmer all over?

A marketing friend told me about a campaign that was initiated to create massive demand for a cream that would reduce fat on the thighs. The plan was to create a huge buzz about the product before it was launched—and it worked magnificently. It was so simple: just a little whisper in a few susceptible ears: ‘It’s only available in France at the moment!’, ‘They’re queuing round the block to get it’, ‘It’s selling out over there’, ‘Coming here soon!’, ‘Really expensive!’, ‘Limited stocks when it does arrive’, ‘Quick—before they sell out!’.

And the inevitable result? ‘How do I get it?’, ‘Where can I get it?’ Rather ordinary smoothing cream becomes the must-have new product before it is even packaged in the expensively designed pot, because no-one wants to be the only person left in town with fat thighs.

Don’t worry. You didn’t miss anything. As one doctor said, ‘If this cream has any effect on physiological function, then legally it should be sold as a drug. If it doesn’t have any effect, why should anyone buy it?’

For the sake of your body and your bank balance, understand this: you cannot break down fat from the outside. The only way fat gets on your body is when you eat more food than you expend in energy, and the excess gets stored in your cells. Therefore the only way to get rid of it is to make sure it gets used up as energy—and you know exactly how that works. A cream that could dissolve fat would have to dissolve the skin first—think about it!

There is a discrepancy between the manufacturers’ and the public’s perception of what constitutes a ‘cure’ for cellulite, or cauliflower bottom syndrome (CBS). The manufacturers assume it is to make the skin smoother and less lumpy-looking; the user wants to end up two inches slimmer.