Читать книгу The Truth about Relationships - Stefan Blom - Страница 14

It is important to look closely at what has affected you and your relationships over time. You may think there is something wrong with your relationship when, in fact, you are simply experiencing very stressful circumstances. Sometimes, life gives you something you didn’t choose. This is simply life happening to you. And if you have control over what happens to you and your relationship, you should carefully consider what you allow into your life.

Exposing your relationship to too many outside influences can destroy your relationship from the inside.

Not everything that happens to you and your relationship is always under your control. You have control over your reactions, of course, but sometimes is it obvious that you didn’t invite or choose a certain experience.

Outside influences that you do not choose include:

•any act of random violence or abuse (being attacked, abused or raped);

•the death of a family member or friend;

•illness or any medical emergency;

•accidents of any kind;

•uninvited interference from family and friends;

•professional demands that you cannot control; and …

•losing your job (for reasons other than your own actions).

It is important to be honest about the effect of these uninvited influences on your life. There is no point in being hard on, and critical of, yourself if you didn’t invite the influence into your life. At times like these, you should be kind and gentle to yourself and your relationship. It seems nonsensical to fight about an influence you didn’t choose; life is stressful enough. This is the time to take better care of yourself and your relationship.

On the other hand, many outside influences are under your control. Outside influences over which you have control include:

•your consumption of alcohol and drugs;

•financial stress or mismanagement;

•working long hours and burn-out;

•an affair;

•travel;

•opening your relationship to allow others into your intimate space;

•your relationship with family members and friends;

•living for others or worrying what they think about you;

•renovations or moving house;

•fame or public scrutiny; and …

•the space in which you live.

If you would like to feel more connected to yourself and your relationship, consider every influence on your relationship seriously. For example, not drinking for an extended period or taking a break from destructive people can be a good start.

The experiences with which you surround yourself become part of you.

When you feel stressed by what is around your relationship and not in your relationship, it is time to clean out and protect your relationship. Often, I am reminded that couples or individuals under tremendous stress would experience their lives very differently if they were not under so much stress. Feeling constantly overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed is your cue that you need a change, that it is time to take better care of and protect your relationship. One of the best steps you can take to protect your relationship is to close it, for as long as is needed, to negative outside influences. Slow down, create some private spaces and spend more time with yourself, your family and your partner.

Questions to ask about your relationship

Deepen your understanding of and compassion for each other and your relationship by looking closely at what really affects your relationship.

•What have been some of the biggest influences on our relationship?

•How have these influences affected our relationship and us?

•How can we support each other during this time?

•What can we do to change things?

•How can we protect our relationship from damaging external influences?