Читать книгу The Truth about Relationships - Stefan Blom - Страница 16

Often, what stands in the way of your ability to have a calm, non-reactive conversation is your perception of each other. It seems to be human nature to generalise about one bad experience and speak about it as if the person involved is always like this. If you lied, once, in one area of your life, you become a liar and cannot be trusted at all. If you spoke, once, in a damaging way, you become a bully or an abuser. Often, speaking to friends and family about our hurtful relationship experiences feeds and validates our generally negative perceptions of our partners. Like you, your friends validate your generally negative beliefs about your partner and feed your own general perceptions.

But, as humans, we are not general – we are specific. We are kind and, sometimes, not so kind. Be careful not to take one or two experiences in a specific area and generalise them. Trust is never broken in totality – it is broken only in a specific area. For example, I might not trust you with money, but I trust you with our children. Be specific about the behaviours you do not want and would like to change.

In an argument or conversation, your general perceptions of each other may stand in the way of hearing each other and having a calm and understanding conversation. Statements like, ‘You always do this …’ and, ‘You never do that …’ are signs that you are seeing your partner in general terms. Even if there is some truth to your perception, see if there is another side to your partner by checking your general perceptions.

Questions to ask yourself

•Which general beliefs do I have about my partner?

•Which of my beliefs about my partner are standing in the way of really seeing him or her?

•What is the truth about who he or she really is?

•What are my beliefs doing to our interactions?

•How can I correct my perceptions and avoid speaking in general terms?