Читать книгу The Truth about Relationships - Stefan Blom - Страница 19

Connection and closeness are two of the many benefits of sharing your truths.

When you feel distant or disconnected in your relationship, it often means that you are not getting what you need and are keeping quiet about it. If you speak you mind, you might get what you need and expect. If you don’t say it, you don’t get it, and you may remain full of unmet expectations. It is not your partner who is hurting or upsetting you – it is your own unexpressed expectations. Expectations are unexpressed, silent needs. When you talk honestly about what you expect, your expectations become needs. From that moment of truth – when you become truly honest about what you need – you will start feeling better, as you give each other a chance to participate in meeting each other’s needs. A need that is not shared openly is a missed opportunity for happiness and connection.

When you share honestly, you move your relationship from a space of guessing to one of knowing. The things we think but do not share always leave us guessing, wondering, questioning and, sometimes, obsessing. When we don’t know what is going on in a relationship, we tend to fill the spaces with doubts, assumptions and questions. Often you start with questioning your relationship and, in time, you start doubting yourself. Not knowing what is going on is damaging. So, you should be grateful when you partner tells you what he or she is really thinking or feeling, even if it upsets you, because then you know exactly where you stand. Clear, honest positions are always better for you than guessing what is going on.

It is more important to know than not to know.

Another benefit of honesty is growth and movement. Relationships can only survive and grow with honesty. How often you share your mind and heart honestly determines the life of your relationship. If you don’t speak the truth in your relationships, you will never get anywhere. You will always stay stuck in the same place.

If you are not interested in movement and growth, you are not interested in the future of your relationships. We all know that as you move through life, you change – that growth is inevitable. That your relationship will change as your life does is a fact of life.

Movement is love.

If you take the time to share your innermost thoughts with someone you love or want to love, and that person does not want to hear them, then he or she is not really interested in you. You need to ask yourself why. If happy relationships are all about sharing our minds and hearts, and if the person with who you are sharing is unable or unwilling to hear you, you need to ask, ‘Why would a person who loves me or shows interest in me not be willing to listen to my mind and heart? Are we not in the kind of relationship in which honest sharing is allowed?’

The truth about relationships is that if you love each other, you will grow with each other through sharing. A relationship that does not move over time will not survive.

You have the right to share. You have the right to your feelings and thoughts.

If you are in a real relationship, you have the right to share what you think and feel. And if you want to be in a happy, honest relationship, you need to be willing to listen to what is being shared. If you are not interested in this process of sharing, you are neither interested in nor ready for a real relationship. What is the point of having a relationship that does not welcome sharing?

Your inner thoughts and feelings are always relevant to your relationships as they are a part of you – part of your identity. Therefore, they need not only to be heard, but embraced. It is a privilege to share the most private thoughts of the people around you; you need to show your respect in exactly the same way, as you would expect it to be shown in return.

When couples share their inner thoughts and feelings in therapy and one partner constantly interrupts the other or starts fighting, I ask:

•Are you not interested in your partner’s thoughts and feelings?

•Is it not okay for you to listen to what you partner has to say?

•Do you not want to hear what you partner is really thinking and feeling?

•Would you not also like to be heard and understood?

In relationships, we feel and experience life in different ways. This is at the core of any relationship. We all carry different truths. Your main focus is to honour, embrace and see each other’s different experiences. When you do, you truly see each other for who you are.

Relationships that do not consider what you think and feel – in which your experience is not important, and in which you don’t try to ‘see’ each other – will make you unhappy. The reason is simple.

It is hurtful not to be seen.

So, when you share your thoughts and feelings, remind yourself that your main focus is to see and be seen. This is an experience of true love.

When we feel seen, we feel loved.

If you know what upsets you and what you need from your relationship, but have difficulty expressing it in a way that makes you feel understood and seen, you need to learn some relationship skills. These skills are important in all relationships, and anyone can learn them.