Читать книгу Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists - Юлия Пирумова - Страница 11

Let us once again explore what we call narcissistic “fragility”.

It is an unstable self-image, a distorted view on one's abilities, virtues, and talents.

It is a refusal to accept one's limitations and flaws.

It is a constant risk that the pettiest problems or misfortunes could lead to collapse of one's self-esteem.

It is a direct correlation between one's self-respect and the extent to which other people express their admiration and recognition to them.

These are serious fluctuations in the sense of self-worth depending on the extent to which the set goals and plans are fulfilled.

This is an utterly devastating impact that negative feedback or even neutral attitude from the outer world has on self-esteem.

Unworthiness, inferiority, and self-discrepancy – these are the three pillars, or namely three “holes” in the narcissist's psyche. Feeling this way is so unbearable that we are constantly trying to cover, plug, fill, or sate those “holes”. Everything is put to use: work, education, relationships, food, drugs, and other ways of “compensation” or “distraction”. Just to silence this anxiety of self-deficit.

Depending on whether we accept this feeling or not, there are two common narcissistic strategies. Some of us seem not to feel this anxiety and have no distinctive sense of their own unworthiness. On the contrary! They behave as if the world must give them all the best, as if it is perfectly obvious that they have value for themselves and for others. They radiate confidence, and we could even mistake that for healthy narcissism. If not for a small “but”, which might slip a casual observer's attention. On closer examination, it appears that there is no clear and realistic grounds for their high self-esteem, since all it is based on is exclusively a belief that “I am valuable in my own right”. If we ask why this person considers themselves unique and interesting, the answer will contain something very general that is not firmly based on reality. It would be totally unclear what grounds there are for such pride in oneself. Therefore, we can say that we are talking here not about high self-esteem but inadequately exaggerated self-esteem. This is excessive narcissism in action, which grants those who have it with inadequate evaluation of their self-worth in this world.

Usually, teenagers and adults who have not grown out of teenage years “suffer” from this type of narcissism. Looking at them, we see that while they have quite a few ambitions and claims for their uniqueness and absolutely special originality, there are no grounds to confirm their abilities to fulfil any of those. Or there is no understanding that for all this both time and effort are required. Excessive narcissism creates an illusion for the person suffering from it that they will get everything for free and in large amounts, just because they are so unique. As a rule, this type of narcissism is cured naturally as time goes by. Inadequate beliefs in being superior, chosen, unique, and influential often dissolve over the years by themselves. There would still be suffering and anger, but one would shed their illusions of excessive narcissism, staying with quite an adequate image of self and accepting their real abilities and limitations. Those who “get stuck” in such narcissism endure unreasonable arrogance and excessive ambitions. As years go by, it is getting harder and harder to ignore reality, and it is expected that you prove your value for yourself and people around you by real achievements and success in a particular sphere (either family, children or a career in a preferred field). And the main criterion would be the life that satisfies, lets one fulfil their potential in various ways. Therefore, someone attacked by the virus of narcissism is likely to become a grumpy person when they grow old, angry at the whole world and suffering from total injustice. That would be the price they pay for not agreeing to accept their real “size”, staying in a continuous illusion of one's exclusive uniqueness and significance.

On the other hand, the other category of narcissistic personalities is associated with a totally different adaptation approach to their own fragility. Their self-esteem is also inadequate but the “other way round”. It is unreasonably low. We are talking here about deficient narcissism, which instead of providing a feeling of one's significance, deprives a person of self-worth even in spheres where they evidently have it. In contrast to excessive narcissists, they really consider themselves not deserving even the most modest success and see themselves as incapable of anything. Then it turns out that along with that, for some reason, they demand outstanding accomplishments from themselves and are eager to meet the standards of “successful success”. That is their main pain.

Deficient narcissists are entirely unsatisfied with themselves, no matter what they achieve or do. They ignore reality where they actually have certain abilities, opportunities, and talents, and display behavior associated with one's self-worthlessness.

I also call such people hidden or covert narcissists, as it is practically impossible to suspect narcissism in them. Since instead of significance and grandiosity, they exhibit humiliation and reactions of acute shame in response to anything.

They are characterized by the following:

• the sense of one's inferiority and unworthiness;

• high sensitivity and vulnerability;

• high personal standards;

• procrastination and inability to reach goals;

• constant search for approval and recognition;

• proneness to shame;

• envy for other people and self-abasement when comparing oneself with others;

• narcissistic depression due to inability to live up to ideal and perfect images;

• lack of emotion and detachment form one's own life;

• and much more.

It is important to note that there are inner “holes” in both cases. However, excessive narcissists still believe and hope that if they try hard enough, they will conquer the world with their grandiosity. While hidden narcissists are stuck in hopelessness: they feel so unable to recover themselves to the level of a good and a worthy person that there is only one way to act left – linger in shame and hopelessly strive to disguise yourself as a normal person.