Читать книгу Fragile People: a Hidden Door into the World of Narcissists - Юлия Пирумова - Страница 15

In its deepest essence, narcissism is a defense against love and wounds inflicted by unrequited love. A child faced with the absence of love or having got the illusion of not being loved by his parents, makes himself stop loving and stop wanting love. He forces himself to stop having affection towards those who, according to him, do not love him. It resembles ruthlessly drying a river, which flowed freely and now has to stop…

What does a narcissist replace their need for love with? The desire for admiration and praise. That is why when I hear “I do everything to be noticed, valued, and praised”, I am looking for traces of love. To be more exact, I feel that having lost the hope for love, a person has decided to go for an imitation: “Screw it! At least, give me admiration! That's how I'll get normality back!” A fake carrot, but people rush at it, sometimes laying their whole lives on the altar of achievements…

People almost believe in the illusion that they have not received praise and admiration from their parents. In fact, a sorrowful loss of love is very likely there. And it is covered by a much more understandable need, which allows one to stay beyond this inner pain inflicted by the absence of love… “I'm looking for admiration” means almost “I'm trying not to remember the time when I forbade myself to love. When I chose not to want to be loved, because it's hopeless. I want to forget that I want love… But I can't… Give me at least admiration …”

Oddly enough, all this drama was described almost two thousand years ago in the initial myth about Narcissus, who was not selfish or cruel at all. Let us remember all the details of his birth and development. And then it would be clearer how exactly adult narcissism appears.