Читать книгу Zita West’s Guide to Getting Pregnant - Zita WEST, Zita West - Страница 17

If I could say to couples who have been trying for some time that, by such and such a date, they would be pregnant – they would skip out of my office in delight. But unfortunately there just are no guarantees, and the apparently ‘unexplained’ causes of infertility are of course the hardest to accept. I often hear women say how difficult they find it when all around them their friends are getting pregnant and having babies. They describe the news of a friend’s pregnancy with phrases like ‘a knife going through my heart’ and find it really difficult to express pleasure or smile at other women’s good fortune. Social gatherings become a nightmare, with others asking tactless questions such as, ‘When are you starting a family, then?’ Nor is it helpful to hear advice such as ‘Just relax’ or ‘Let nature take its course.’

Comments like this may be well meaning, but can result in anger, envy and jealousy, which can in turn lead to feelings of self-hatred. And the stress of it all can lead to quite severe anxiety and depression. Men can be equally affected by these feelings. It’s hard on both partners, but women in particular can become obsessed with their monthly cycle, focusing every aspect of their lives on getting pregnant.

Telling a woman not to get obsessive isn’t helpful. What is helpful is providing a structure for dealing with the reasons behind the obsession, and finding tactics for managing the feelings of frustration, anxiety and sadness that arise.

If couples have been trying for anything from six to 18 months, a lot of emotional and relationship factors start to come into play. For some couples, they find that this shared aim brings them closer together, but often couples can start to feel demoralized and pretty hopeless.

The knock-on effect of this can be detrimental to a couple’s sex life. Sex is no longer about intimacy, it has become associated with ‘getting pregnant’. Yet, when asked, it can still turn out that the couple are not having sex anything near as often enough to get pregnant. Sex becomes mechanical, with all activity focused on when a woman thinks she’s ovulating, so her partner becomes fed up, or afraid that he might not be up to the job when necessary.

This can be further aggravated if a problem has been identified in the man. Coming to see a fertility specialist may be the first time this is openly discussed, and for some men a poor sperm test result makes them feel like a complete failure. The great thing is that there is so much that a man can do to improve the quality and quantity of his sperm production. I would also like to reassure you that, even with a less-than-optimum sperm result, if everything else is going well, conception is still possible. This is important because some couples give up trying at this stage, assuming there is no point. I always encourage couples to keep trying. Many couples go on to conceive, even with a poor sperm result. Nevertheless I do understand that in cases like this it’s very hard to be positive.

Sometimes couples become so involved in each other’s biological details that all the mystique goes out of the relationship. I saw one couple where the man had taken to examining the cervical secretions in his wife’s pants! Another knew every detail of his partner’s periods, right down to the consistency of the flow and the amount of blood clots. No wonder some couples’ sex lives take a turn for the worse!

A couple’s sex life is very important, whatever the circumstances. It is one of the best forms of physical and sensual communication, and can be enormously restorative to a relationship under strain. For those women obsessing about ovulation and insisting on sex there and then, I tell them to stop, throw away the ovulation kits and temperature charts, take a break and put some energy into the relationship, for its own sake. Get romantic, be seductive and take time out together for a walk, a nice meal, a massage, anything shared that can lead to sex within the context of a loving relationship – the same relationship into which you want to bring a baby. The two are not separate, and are paramount to keeping a sense of balance – which is what pregnancy is all about. Creating a family takes energy, a sense of humour, time and love. The other thing about having a good, regular sex life is that it creates a natural high, releasing mood-enhancing endorphins and the bonding hormone oxytocin. I encourage couples to use aromatherapy oils, for massage or in candles – essential oils such as jasmine and ylang ylang stimulate the secretion of endorphins. We all need a little help when times are stressful, so utilize what’s available to set the scene and enhance the mood.