Читать книгу Zita West’s Guide to Getting Pregnant - Zita WEST, Zita West - Страница 18

Ultimately you can’t control your fertility or when you will get pregnant. But I tell couples that they can control the options available to them, and the path they take to get there. It takes a degree of patience to seek out opinions you trust, rather than flit from one fertility plan to another. You need to do the research and then take a step back. Learning to keep a perspective on the situation takes practice – though, naturally enough, many couples find this almost impossible. I find that there is sometimes a tendency for partners to blame one another – even if this is unspoken. This is sometimes not even apparent to the partners themselves, but if I am aware of it I can help diffuse any tension by explaining things and providing a structure for the steps that can be taken.

Another problem can arise when the woman starts to feel she is the one making all the effort. I often find that women drive everything when it comes to trying for a baby: they buy the books, the vitamins, etc., and expect their partner to follow suit. She may try forcing every available vitamin or dietary supplement down her partner’s throat, plus enforcing changes in diet and lifestyle, etc. Her partner, meanwhile, may have come to his own conclusions, and very often will only make changes if he has been convinced there is really a problem. Some women make their partners give up absolutely everything, and get fixated about helping their partners make healthy sperm within a precise, limited timeframe. Then if the man lapses, say has a few drinks, the woman gets angry and feels they have to start all over again.

So, for you women: Don’t nag. Put time and effort into your relationship and accept that men see it from a different perspective. Be kind to one another. Women can feel extremely angry if they have given up alcohol, or smoking, and their partner hasn’t or won’t. It feels very unfair, and as if they are making all the sacrifices. Men, for their part, can start to feel very guilty. Obviously, none of this is conducive to success!

For women, with the highs and lows of anticipation during the month, and disappointment if a period arrives, it can be all too easy to get into the blame cycle while forgetting that their partner, too, may be living in dread of a period arriving. Some men start to dread going home, and to feel hopeless about what they can do. Blame can arise from the feeling that ‘If only I had done this or hadn’t done that’ or ‘If only he had drunk less or not been on that business trip when I was ovulating …’ The permutations are endless.

I know it can be hard, but please try not to start the blame game. Instead, it’s important to be kind to each other and remember to share those things that brought you together in the first place.