Читать книгу Super Confidence: Simple Steps to Build Your Confidence - Gael Lindenfield, Gael Lindenfield - Страница 12

Well, until someone shows me a baby who is not confident, I will remain convinced that we are! Babies show no signs of doubting their rights to get what they want and they will stretch to their limits to get what they want and need. Freud, the great father of psychology, used the phrase ‘His majesty, the baby’. Any of us who has experienced looking after babies knows just what he means!

But, of course, our genes do play some part in how our confidence subsequently develops. Because they affect the ‘architecture’ and biochemical make-up of our brains and bodies, they do play a role in determining our

• dominant personality style whether we are basically an extrovert or introvert for example

• temperament as in whether we are inclined towards being ‘fiery’ or ‘placid’

• predisposition for certain mental health problems whether we are likely to respond to stress with depressive or hypo-manic style illnesses or develop some addictive or compulsive behaviour.

The important point to remember is that none of these pre-determining factors is intrinsically bad for our confidence. It is just the way that they are handled, especially in our early formative years, that can (and very commonly does) cause a problem. I have met many introverted people, as I am sure you must have, who have a happy and successful life being ‘quietly confident’. They have learned to manage their shyness, perhaps by having a career which gives them plenty of opportunity to work successfully on their own and having a satisfying social life with just a few close friends.

It is how our genetic inheritance is nurtured and managed that will determine our level of confidence.

Equally, in my years working in psychiatric hospitals I have met many people with psychiatric illnesses, but not a hint of a problem with their confidence.

Even if such people are exceptions rather than the rule, it is important to remember their example.

In contrast, holding on to the belief that lack of confidence is caused by our inheritance is depowering, and also lets all those responsible for knocking our confidence get away with impunity.

People who use lack of confidence as an excuse may say:

I can’t help it – it’s just the way I am.

Irresponsible or ‘ignorant’ parents can look at their children with a kind of detached interest and say, for example:

She must have inherited a stray gene from somewhere because she is so unlike me. She’s always been quiet. I can see she’s got more of her father’s blood than her sister has. He’s a born worrier, so I know exactly how she’s going to turn out. She’s a carbon copy of her mother – her mother always hated making a fuss.

And at work, bullying bosses can look at their quaking staff and say:

There’s no point in sending you off for Assertiveness Training. Once a doormat, always a doormat. Get yourselves new jobs.

YOUR PERSONAL HISTORY

Use this questionnaire to help you identify some of the factors that may have influenced your self-confidence.

Your Mother and Father

Did they love you just as you were or did they want you to be something you were not?

Did they praise you enough when you did well, or tend merely to criticise you when you didn’t?

Did they often compare you with others or did they help you assess your achievements in the light of your own potential?

Were they good models of confidence themselves?

Did they practise what they preached?

What was their relationship like?

Was it fairly balanced, with two adults confidently asserting their needs and feelings to each other?

How did they relate to the rest of the world?

Did they perhaps ‘hide their lights under bushels’, ‘put on an act’ or were they just themselves?

Your Position in the Family

Were you an only child, the eldest or the youngest?

Were you, for example, given responsibility for looking after younger children?

Were you ‘babied’ or were you treated as ‘piggy-in-the-middle’ with no special role?

Brothers and Sisters

What was their attitude towards you?

Were you someone to look up to or were you a threat or someone to be bullied?

How successful were they?

Were you encouraged to feel competitive with them?

Your Teachers at School

Did you feel more confident with some than with others?

Were you ever ‘teacher’s pet’?

Were you picked on or taken for granted?

How were you disciplined?

Was corporal punishment used?

Your Friends

Were you bullied, ignored or welcomed into ‘the gang’?

Did you keep the same friends for a long time or did you have to keep changing them, perhaps because you moved frequently?

Your Position in Society

Were you from a privileged or underprivileged background?

Could you count on receiving the basic necessities of life?

Were you discriminated against?

Were you expected to do better, or worse than most people?

Your Lifestyle

Was it sheltered or were you constantly ‘in the limelight’ and forced to socialize or compete?

Did you experience many changes and upheavals?

Did you travel very much?

Your Religion

Was it the kind of religion which made you feel good about yourself?

Was it full of foreboding or was it optimistic about this life on earth?

Did it regard some individuals as more equal than others?

Were men given more responsibility, or perhaps privileges, than women?

Traumatic Events

Were you physically or emotionally abused at any time?

Were you brought up in a peaceful society?

Did you lose any important people, jobs or possessions in your life, through no fault of your own?

I have met many hundreds of people suffering with problems of confidence and as yet, I have not met anyone whose problems could not be traced back, to some substantial degree, to their childhood or other important formative experiences.