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Chapter Three Getting Away From It All

25th August 2008

The boys are back! I just rushed to the door and swept them up in my arms. They seemed really pleased to see me, and Jack as well. I had to be careful not to crush them I wanted to hold them so tightly. It made me feel more sane having them with me again because I have a routine and things to do to look after them: meals, playing, bathing and so on.

I’ve booked us all a holiday in Carmenthshire in West Wales–me, Jack and the boys. It’ll be a chance to spend some proper family time together.

‘We’re gonna go to a beach, go fishing, horse-riding, everything!’ I told them.

Danny and Simon said they would drive down there with us so they can take some snaps. I hope they know the way because I haven’t a clue!

27th August 2008

We’re off on our family holiday. Hopefully there won’t be so much drama as on the last big family holiday to Tobago, when a bush fire almost reached our villa and I was out in the road hurling buckets of water at it!

We’re staying in a converted stable next to a guesthouse. It took us ages to get here. It’s so remote that the sat navs weren’t working, which is a disaster for me! I’ve never understood maps. I’ve never figured out what happens when the line runs out at the end of the page. I mean, where does it go next?

Anyway, we arrived really late and put the boys straight to bed.

It’s beautiful up here and so good to have fresh air on our faces. It’s also good to have a chance to spend some time doing different things. I want a proper rural English holiday. (Someone just told me that Wales is not in England. Is that true?)

No jet skis and diamonds for me. Fresh air and green fields is what I need just now.

28th August 2008

We’re going fishing today! I’m feeling all countrified and excited about it. The horrible hospitals seem a million miles away.

The four of us laughed all day long, stomping in the mud in our wellies, even though Jack and I hate wearing those rubbery things. They look so silly and feel cold on our feet but it’s better that than getting wet, muddy socks.

We couldn’t wait to get down to the river and we hired rods from the local angling people. They gave us a bucket of wriggling worms as well. Poor Bobby didn’t want to touch the wrigglers. He was freaking out a bit, wrinkling his nose and shouting if I put one near him. Meanwhile Freddy was trying to put them in his pockets, which was making me wet myself laughing.

I love watching my boys playing together. They are such different personalities. Bobby is quite sensitive–he can tell when things aren’t right–and he’s very loving. Freddy is a gorgeous kid too but is much more wild. He never stops tearing around and can be quite mischievous.

To tell you the truth, I wasn’t any good at fishing–none of us were. We were all crap and gave up before long as we weren’t catching anything. It’s boring just sitting on a river-bank waiting. I’ve never been very good at waiting!

Afterwards we went horse-riding. The boys were going crazy over the horses, they loved them so much. They were both asking: ‘Please can we get one?’ What with the dogs and my boys to look after, I said that horses were the last thing we needed right now.

They all had a good go on them, including Jack. I did too.

I used to love horse-riding when I was younger. My dad had a rich girlfriend at one point and she let me use their horses. It was amazing.

Jack was a bit nervous though. He made me laugh, pulling faces and wanting to get off. He didn’t like the horse moving and said it hurt his bits.

I wasn’t letting him give up that easily, though. ‘Let’s go for a trot,’ I suggested.

I could tell he wanted to keep up with me because he knew he’d never hear the last of it otherwise! I couldn’t stop laughing as he tried to cling onto the reins.

‘What is trotting anyway?’ he shouted.

Ha, ha! The boys were braver than him!

When he jumped down he couldn’t walk properly and was staggering around like John Wayne. It cracked me up.

For a whole five minutes, all the laughing made me forget I am ill.

Then I went to the toilet and remembered all over again because thick, black, tarry stuff was falling out of me into the loo. It smelled disgusting and made me feel horrible inside.

It’s like a mad rollercoaster–one minute I’m laughing with my boys and can forget about cancer and the next it hits me hard again.

The pain was bad, like really severe period pains.

I called Dr Ind on my mobile and he explained that it was the cancer causing bits of my womb to come away.

People use the expression ‘I’m falling apart’. Well, right now I really am.

Later on I got the Scrabble board out. Before you laugh, we are actually not that bad. I can spell enough words to play with my two clever little boys. They may be at a better school than I ever went to, but if I can’t spell as well as a three-year-old and a five-year-old I’m really in trouble.

I felt so tired when the sun went down that I went to bed early, still feeling the cramps.

It all catches up on me once the boys are asleep.

29th August 2008

Not a nice day. It started out badly and just got worse. Jack woke up with the hump but wouldn’t tell me why. I still had horrible tummy pains and the boys were fighting with each other.

I always put on my biggest smile when things are this bad. I took some painkillers, made the breakfast and thought: ‘Keep smiling, Mum! Just keep smiling.’

We all went on a boat trip out to sea and Bobby totally loved it. The water was calming and everyone was happy again.

We went to see porpooses (or whatever that name is for animals like dolphins and seals). I didn’t know you could get seals in England.

The trip lasted a couple of hours but when we got back to shore Bobby wanted to go straight back out again.

‘No, Bobby,’ I said. ‘We are going for some food now. We’re hungry.’

He screwed his face up into a ball and screamed like you wouldn’t believe. ‘I want another go!’ he yelled. ‘It’s not fair!’

I know where he gets his lungs from, I suppose. Can’t duck out of that one.

I dragged him away while all the other tourists were staring and obviously thinking he was a spoilt brat.

‘I want to hear “thank you, Mum” not screaming, Bobby,’ I snapped at him. ‘You’re being really ungrateful after I’ve given you a nice treat.’

I managed to get him into the car and strapped him in, but the noise of his crying upset me so much that I began to cry. Soon I was sobbing my head off. I hated myself for telling him off. He’s only little and doesn’t have any idea what’s going on with me. I hate seeing my boys upset.

Jack was at a loss to know what to do.

I told Bobby to say sorry and, bless his heart, he started crying and gave me a hug.

‘I’m sorry, Mummy,’ he sobbed.

‘I’m sorry for shouting at you,’ I cried, then we had the biggest cuddle.

Every time we have a cuddle now, I feel myself well up. It’s so hard when I think about the future and what might happen. But I won’t let myself think that way. I can’t.

That night my emotions were all over the place. I told Jack that I couldn’t be with him any more because I could never give him a family of his own.

‘It’s not fair that I put you through this,’ I said. ‘It’s going to be so hard.’

I meant it too. He’s still only young, a twenty-one-year-old boy. We’ve been through so much together–breaking up, making up, even cheating death in a car accident in 2007. Oh, and that was before we were kidnapped by a mad taxi driver who picked us up in London a few months earlier. And, of course, my miscarriage. But fighting cancer and not being able to have kids was too much.

Looking back, it makes the miscarriage even more painful. Jack couldn’t wait to be a dad. I think his mum was a bit worried as he was only nineteen at the time–I’d have been worried if that was Bobby or Freddy–but she soon came round. My mum went out and bought loads of baby clothes. She thought it was going to be a girl. The girl I will never have.

I did an interview in OK! about it and even had some photos taken of my three months’ bump. We were really looking forward to having a baby of our own. Now I can never ever give him that.

He keeps trying to make a joke out of it, saying: ‘I’ve already got two kids–that’s quite enough, thanks!’

I can’t laugh about it. ‘You might want a family of your own one day and I don’t want to deny you that,’ I said. ‘You should just leave me and get on with it, Jack.’

He looked at me in the eye and shook his head. ‘I already have a family,’ he said. ‘You, me, Bobby and Freddy. I’m not going anywhere.’

‘But I’m not going to be like a real woman any more,’ I cried. ‘What’s the point in us having a relationship?’

I felt so low, so sad inside.

He kissed me over and over, telling me I was a great mum. ‘And you’ll make a great wife too,’ he said, lifting up my chin. ‘With or without hair.’

I was all snotty but couldn’t help giggling. He was joking, I think, but little did he know I’d been thinking a lot about the two of us since my cancer was discovered, and the idea was forming in my head that I really wanted to marry Jack. He was such a good father figure to my boys, and no matter how many dramas he and I went through we always seemed to get back together in the end.

But he was just a twenty-one-year-old. Boys that age don’t want to get married. I shouldn’t get my hopes up just because I was ill. I tried to put the thought out of my head, but in bed that night after he fell asleep I was looking at him and thinking to myself: ‘Mr and Mrs Tweed. Who knows?’

30th August 2008

We found a lovely beach near our guesthouse. It was sandy with a big cliff and no one was there. It was like our own private beach. We just set up some deckchairs and let the boys start playing in the sea and sand and they loved it. It wasn’t even a hot day. It was a bit cloudy but that didn’t matter.

‘I love it here,’ I said to Jack. ‘I really want to buy a house here and when I am better we can come here all the time. It’s good for the boys.’

I like watching Jack play with them. He’s like a big kid himself sometimes and they idolise him.

This evening I started to cry again. I can’t help it. I hide my feelings all day for the kids but they have to come out some time, usually after they’ve gone to bed. Jack just cuddled me and kept saying everything would be okay. I’ll try and believe him. He’s been brilliant through all of this–sweet and kind and saying all the right things. I wish everyone could see this wonderful side of him instead of the image they all have of him out on the town getting drunk and making trouble.