Читать книгу Forever in My Heart: The Story of My Battle Against Cancer - Jade Goody - Страница 6

I got on the Virgin flight home to Heathrow just feeling numb. The Big Brother producers sent someone from the team with me, but I didn’t know him so I had no one to talk to in the airport or on the flight.

Usually when I sit down on a plane I’m excited to see what films are showing and what’s going to be on the menu. I love those little tiny portions of airline food set out on a tray, with the packets of salt and pepper and the freshening wipe. Now I had no interest in anything.

I didn’t want to smile or chat to anyone because all I could think of was that C-word.

I have cancer.

I wanted to get home and for my mum to rub my head the way she sometimes did and tell me everything would be okay.

I tried to close my eyes and think of my boys. Most of all I longed to touch their soft skin and kiss their cheeks so hard. I wanted to hold them like I’d never done before.

I tried to just listen to the hum of the plane engines and ignore the sound of babies crying and moody passengers asking for more drinks or extra blankets.

I didn’t want anything now except my family.

I pushed a pillow up against the window, closed my eyes and thought of Jack.

Imagining him holding me and telling me it was all a dream made me feel a bit better.

As all these thoughts were rushing through my mind, I wanted to scream ‘Why me?’

Just when I was getting on with my life and putting all the bad things behind me. My mum becoming a crack addict when I was eighteen; my dad’s horrible death of a heroin overdose in a Kentucky Fried Chicken restaurant; my bad relationships; the racism row over my argument with Shilpa Shetty. Why is the Big Man in the Sky giving me another challenge?

Then I suddenly got this really weird feeling.

I don’t know how to explain it but I thought that if my life was in danger, it was about time I sorted it all out. It made me want to do special things.

Like make peace with my dad. He’s dead, so why do I still hate him? I decided I would go and put some flowers on his grave.

I wanted to see my half-brothers: my dad’s son Miles, who I’d never even met before, and my mum’s son Brett.

I wanted truly, properly to forgive my mum. To tell her none of the past mattered any more.

Bobby and Freddy were only five and three but I decided I wanted to take my two special boys to a poor country and let them see that what they have–all the toys and holidays and the nice home–is not like that for everyone. I wanted them to appreciate the things we had.

And, for me this is weird, I wanted to reach out somehow and find a religion.

I never listened in my RE lessons at school–or any lessons at school for that matter–and I don’t know much about God and religious stuff. Churches always seemed like a place for other people.

Now I was forced to think about dying I wanted to understand about living. For I could suddenly see that despite everything I’ve had–like my kids, houses, money and fame–I hadn’t really deeply appreciated it, because I didn’t think I had to.

I didn’t want to feel any more anger. I wanted to be at peace with everyone now.

I sat and thought about the list of things I wanted to do as the plane carried me back home to my family thousands of miles away. I had no idea how long I might have to do them all so I’d have to get started straight away. Just in case.