Читать книгу Forever in My Heart: The Story of My Battle Against Cancer - Jade Goody - Страница 18

Went to Danielle’s little girl Rosie’s second birthday party with the boys. It was at Dani’s mum’s house. Little Rosie is such a cutie! Bobby and Freddy love playing with her.

I go there early and helped to fill the party bags and do the sandwiches. Danielle kept saying I didn’t have to but I wanted to. I love kids’ parties.

When everyone arrived, though, it was full of babies and little girls, which I found hard.

I started feeling all choked up about not having my own little girl. I’ve always wanted one so I could give her the childhood that I never had, with loads of lovely dresses, and pink stuff…she’d be a proper princess. Spoilt rotten. I could relive my childhood again through her.

I was doing okay until a couple turned up with their newborn baby.

I had a peek and said ‘Isn’t he lovely?’ and joined in the oohing and aaahing but inside my heart was cracking into pieces.

Then the dad started saying how great it is to be a dad and all the nice things that come with it–like seeing them when they first wake up in the morning–and that being a father is the best thing that can happen to a man.

It killed me inside to think of Jack never being able to feel that with me.

I couldn’t stop myself from welling up again. Danielle spotted this and took me upstairs to calm down.

‘Don’t hug me,’ I said to her. ‘Otherwise I will start crying. Stay away.’

‘You need to let it out sometimes, Jade,’ she said. ‘You need to let yourself be sad.’

‘I can’t do this,’ I cried. ‘All the kids and babies is too much for me.’

She tried to make me feel better, but it’s hard.

‘You’ve got two beautiful sons,’ she said. ‘Everyone thinks they are gorgeous and they are. I tell you what–you can swap them for Rosie if you like and I am sure you’d want to give her back after a night.’

I managed to laugh.

I sorted myself out a few minutes later and went back to join everyone. I am not ungrateful for my boys. I love them to bits. But I won’t be able to build a family with Jack.

I have to let go of my idea of a little girl. She will never exist now.

When I got home I wanted to take my mind off things, so I decided to focus on DIY. I ripped up the carpet off my floors and painted the oak floorboards white. God, it looked awful. I rang Kate because she sometimes works on TV home makeover shows. ‘Kate, I’ve just ruined my floors!’ I said. ‘I need your TV show to come and sort my house out. You can do that while I’m in hospital next week.’

Kate laughed. ‘Don’t know that we can organise that, Jade, but my mum could help.’

Kate’s mum, Lynne, does interior design and she came over to have a look. I flicked through the paint colours she brought and kept changing my mind about what I wanted! It was good to think of something other than operations for once.

I love my house. It’s the most expensive thing I’ve bought but it’s the best home I’ve ever had. It’s at the bottom of a narrow tree-lined country lane. At the back are some beautiful rolling fields and it’s really quiet. The garden is nice and big for the boys.

It’s a whole world away from Bermondsey. My mum still has a flat there and takes the boys to stay sometimes, so they get the best of both worlds. They love London but I think they prefer the peace of our countrysidey [sic] house.