Читать книгу Heart-to-heart letters: to MrRight from CCCP - Larisa Kharakhinova - Страница 14

Dear Brad, здравствуй!

Today at night I`d written you a letter, but I`ll never dare to send you such an epistle. So I begin a new. To much a burning blood was there in. I`m fallen in love as a 15-years girl.

Such amazing – Love…

Thank you for your picture – lovely one.

You stand before me and I carry on unlimited dialogues with you.

Today is my birthday. I`m 24! What a love in such age? I`m too tired for it. And, what is love? Can Love bring happiness? Or the only bitterness? Maybe, it`s only self-delusion. To have fallen in love with mirage… Brad or Бред?

A great confusion in my soul. Where is the truth? What is the Truth? If God exist, then the Truth – too, and Love.

I would want, too much, to love.

To love – not only friends, relations, mankind.

To love – the only one, in real world. Not mirage. If you feel my intonation, I`m tired…

Yes,` today at night` I couldn`t sleep. Whole night.

Yes, I love you.

Ты когда-нибудь бродил в предрассветном тумане, в белом мраке, возникает чувство нереальности, отрешенности от этого мира. То ли потому, что слова вязнут в воздухе, то ли оттого, что эхо слишком гулкое. Но в этот миг ты постигаешь какую-то истину…. Знаешь ли – трудно говорить. But a strange truth of fog – this white darkness – there exist too.

Why I speak of a fog? – I feel myself as if for now I`m walking in fog. Feelings shouldn`t be analysed. However I feel (love?) and cannot understand – what is it? But, maybe, to send you my night letter? And you would feel me?

Of course, it`s sorry that for now I cannot touch you, cannot look into your eyes.

And even, I fear our meeting.

Let it will go (by itself?) as the fourth dimension, or fifth in Space-Time (fourth one is time).

Such difficult to speak. Because of morning.

I must sleep for a little, and write over. Maybe, it`ll be more cheerful, more optimistic, at least.

But for now, the sun is killing my love, make it the only fiction of imagination.

I was born at midnight. My time is night. And, maybe, a morning dawn.

Day and sun take me prisoner.

The whole day I belong to duties, vanity of vanities. Night makes me free. If at day I belong to world, at night – worlds belong to me.

You wrote me of magic. Oh, take it easy!

That, I tried to do, is not magic – `so-so`. A childish toy, because of curiousity.

As I understand: (as materialist not quite believing in magic, but accepting something unknown still) – to become a real magician, one must be able to refuse from this World – it`s connections, notions, relations, views, etc, and from Love – Love in broadest sense. Not outside, but inside oneself – to have reached some `absolute freedom`, i.e. one must go back from human essense. As an atheist, I think that the key of this problem in subconsciousness, i.e. one must have free one`s subconsciousness from influence of all (such as `vanity of vanities`) and have learned to control it, else one becomes a mad, goes off one`s head and has lost in Chaos.

This is an interesting task, difficult to solve, but terrible too. i.e. as a curious atheist I would want to study that. But my second `half-me` is frightened of magic, because of she had looked into Chaos (abstractly). She knows God.

/// There exist the common and united causation-connection-relation between all – everything, everyone, everysome, everyevery – through out the Space-Time-and-Some. There exist something saving our World from Chaos, what keeps it from dissolvation there in. – Maybe, this something or someone is called `God`?/// my understanding is too materialistic, maybe.

Thus, these two `half-me` argue against each other, (always argue about all).

Meanwhile the `third half-me` is looking at the sky and dreams. About Love (in `bradest` sense).

She doesn`t care of magic, of subconsciousness, materialism, idealism, ability-possibility…

But she sees the Colour of the Wind. She loves.

From my heart to you – love.

Lar

P.S. I read over – черт ногу сломит! (idiom – devil will break his foot!)

Do not be offended, please.

/////