Читать книгу Heart-to-heart letters: to MrRight from CCCP - Larisa Kharakhinova - Страница 8

Dear Brad, здравствуй!

Today I`ve received your letter from 09.03.90.

Thank you – it was so fine. But, as I can suspect, either you hadn`t my letter from about middle of February ~ 15-16.02.90, as if it `had lost` by road, or – I don`t know.

Though, it`s quite innocent. Of course, it`s a pity, but it`s get worse. Now I`m just after my work, so – there is no idea in my head. Yet, I prepared to write, maybe, whole the night. – I`m usual night-owl. I like to think or work at night. I love night time. Thoughts are very clean, emotions and feelings `fly up` from earth. – Fine!

Today I received a business letter from China – something about semigroup theory, sheer nonsense, – marasmus. Yet, I must read that, digest my reading – my God! No power. Not long ago I received a letter invitation on conference Hong-Kong-91, China-92. Such unexpectedly and undeservedly. What I am a scientist? – `a young hope`, then undisciplined student – one of thousands – in the past, – in present – I am a worthless mathematicion, hardly remembering the multiplication table, – in future – ? I hope, my descendants will go farther. Though, maybe, the last splash of my slumbering intellect, and – hello, Hong Kong!

It would be fine! It would be fine-fine!

Alas, it`s too late to begin all over again. My best years have sped away such useless! It`s my tragedy – not only mine and even not tragedy. I never worry about `what cannot be cured`. Simply – c`est la vie.

And, in general, Mathematics cannot peacefully coexist with a woman in one room, in particular, in mine.

Indeed, Math requires for head to be clean and cold and abstract. But I cannot be such lady – stone-heart, iron-nerves, ice-soul. (It seems to me, those people are most happy).

So, my `fervid` head presents a lot of odds and ends. Particularly, for now.

Thus => M&W=>MorW – quod erat demonstrandum!

My delightgul aunt, in her sententious speech on the occasion of my `broken fate`, utters: `Don`t forget – the assignment of woman is to bring up children`.

Then she begins to enumerate numerous dignities and brilliant qualities of young men, who `would be glad, not only glad, but happy` and… at her opinion, and – in my age, and … it would be fine… and… so on…

Usually I respectfully listen to her, smiling and noddling.

In the end we exchange phrases, such as:

– Look around! What do you see?

– Nothing extraordinary…

– Look into a mirror at last! You are already 23!

– Of course, I look into a mirror, at least, every morning. Yes, I`m only 23…

– Oh, terrible infant! Look into your future!

– Oh, dearest aunty! I`m not prophet.

I go away (from her) with philosophical mood and deep in thoughts about life. – What is our life? –

A short flash in the darkness, and, in a global sense, all is nothing – vanity of vanities. (My) life costs nothing. In the name of «What» I must flutter? – To attain success, any illusive summit – of something? Oh, let me live, love, laugh – as I want, – according to my own presentation about values of ` This World `, to see the world by my own eyes, to think my own thoughts, and, after all, to die my own death. – And nothing more…

All another is tinsel.

And, in-general, the life is X-game – any crazy chain of games, yes, I am the player. Yet, I live such, as if the life is a significant thing, but not forgetting this `as if`, i.e. in the terms said above, those games must be games of chance, else it`s lost once edge or a sense. Maybe, such approach to the life is going away from reality, but I quite perceive the last. It seems to me, – all of us are children playing `in life`. There exist the necessary rules for all – don`t kill, don`t harm, love one`s neighbour, etc – and there exist sets of rules for each – rules for one`s games.

I take into consideration the first (hold sacred!), but the second – it`s occuring to me for the course of events or a train of thoughts. I cannot foretell what an idea will dawn upon me tomorrow – to become an yogi or to marry, – the life is a coincidence, all is depending on circumstances. Though, not quite so…, even quite not so… – in short, I`ve lost in words (and, likely, in life). Indeed, what I`m a mathematician.

Yet, I try to continue.

Reading your preceeding letter, it seems to me, that you believe in God. I want to ask you: am I right? Indeed, do you believe? God – what it means (is) for you? What is your Belief?

It`s not iddle questions, not abstract interest.

The matter is that – I was being brought up as a `militant ` materialist, and such notion as God was alien for me. It was connected only with perverted knowledges about Christianity, gotten under powerful influence of anti-religious propaganda. I`ll not tell what an image was called up by the word `God` – nothing of respectable. I couldn`t imagine, it seemed to me so funny, that young men can believe in God. In my subconsciousness – there was only that had been knocked into my head (by school, etc).

I was so naïve, I thought, that it`s the absolute truth. I`m a perfect boor in another outlooks. It`s interesting for me to have known others, besides creative-Marxism-Leninism. Of course, (for now) there exist the books, in which I should find the answers. But the book – is only book. Quite another matter – somebody`s belief, if it is indeed Belief – it can convince. Did you ever doubt your Belief? – if not – you`re probably a happy fellow.

To believe, the Belief – these words have so great meaning for me (just sacred). I lost ability to believe. Not to believe as to trust, I believe-trust in everything-to-everybody, but to believe in the global sense, – it`s over my power.

I can understand many things by my mind, heart. But any understanding is not belief. Understanding is an instrument, but the Belief is the great inside power, and it`s force – unlimited. That`s what I want to find. It`s necessary to know yourself, get to know the World. Probably, it`s the sense of life.

Everybody is looking for something. What is yours?

Of course, such questions must be discussed not in such a way (in foreign language). It`s necessary to see the eyes of interlocuter, the discussion must be animated, have a dialogic character – question-answer. But, alas, presence of absence.

What can I write any more? For example –

Now I begin to go in for sports. What kind – difficult to say – some special sequence of exercises, invented by me. I want to have a body `without bones`. And what is more, it`s good and useful for health and ideal relation `human-space`. It`s necessary for me to restore my wasted vital energy. I want to feel the space.

I have one `idee fixe` concerned with energy, one experiment at myself. The matter is that – my grand-grand father was very interesting man, not quite usual. He had a great power, likely, he was an extrasense. If to believe in legends (living untill nowadays), indeed, likely at that. It was being said that he could do exstraordinary things, he was shaman. I admire it and what is more – I want to study this phenomenon. Maybe – develop it in myself – why wouldn`t it? – I`m his descendant. It must be possible for me. I can suppose – what and how it`s done, but I know that, I feel. (here is necessary Belief, it`s power). My rest life will be concerned with it. It would be such interesting, but results cannot be foretold, though, I feel – all will be fine! If to try and throw away doubts and throwings – towards to God!

Life is beautiful and wonderful! At least, interesting. Fine!

Necessary to stop smoking at first, – it`s over my power. Maybe, when I`ll marry. Let it will be my wedding gift for a human, who will be made happy by me. (ha-ha)

The end of the letter arrives before us. Thanks for your care for my health, about smoking. I congratulate your future wife with such a wedding-gift as yours (i.e. «well-shaped body of you» :) ).

So long. // don`t forget me when you`re freed by Spring defeat of Winter. (Again plagiarism)//

Excuse my remarks. With love – Larisa.