Читать книгу Would You Rather...? The Big Book - Justin Heimberg - Страница 14

Would you rather…

be overwhelmingly compelled to chase squirrels and mailmen like a dog

OR

have a tendency to casually crawl onto people’s laps to take naps like a cat?

Would you rather…

every time you’re in a car, have to hang your head out the window like a dog (including when you are driving)

OR

have to take dumps in a litter box?

Would you rather…

be mortally terrified of triangles

OR

of the number 4?

Things to consider: pizza slices, the dreaded isosceles, 4:44.

Would you rather…

only be able to communicate using movie quotes

OR

only be able to speak in Lolcat language?

Would you rather…

have all your dates chaperoned by WWE giant, The Big Show

OR

have to invite a pack of Mormon missionaries to every party you have?

Would you rather…

address all women as “Bee-yotch” for the rest of your life

OR

all men as “My Liege”?

Things to consider: business meetings, family dinners, being a contestant on a game show

Would you rather…

urinate out of your left nostril

OR

defecate only via a bio-prosthetic shoulder-mounted rocket launcher?

Things to consider: using urinals, sneezing, aiming for enemies

Would you rather…

have constantly sweaty (to the point of dripping) palms

OR

invariably emit a 10-second fart when hugged?

Would you rather…

have living bowel movements that are in the shape of fecal hamsters

OR

randomly puke up a dozen hermit crabs once a week?

Would you rather…

get a tattoo of an accurate ruler up your arm

OR

a tip percentage chart on the back of your hand?

Would you rather…

have all the steps in your house replaced with chutes and ladders

OR

have all your furniture made of adjustable Legos?

Would you rather…

fashion underwear out of crumb-filled potato chip bags

OR

wear socks full of centipedes?

Would you rather…

have broccoli hair

OR

croissant skin?

Things to consider: healthy snack hair cut, flaking

Would you rather…

lose your teeth every week like a Tiger Shark

OR

shed your skin once a week like a snake?

Would you rather…

have your skin made out of sticky Wacky Wall Walker material

OR

have your body made out of Nerf material?

Things to consider: constantly collecting dirt and lint, getting really heavy in the swimming pool

Would you rather…

have to “log-roll” anytime you are standing still to avoid falling over

OR

perpetually have involuntary movements as if you are swatting gnats out of your face?

Would you rather…

compulsively head-butt anything you see that’s purple

OR

compulsively make out with anything orange?

Things to consider: eggplant, pumpkins, grapes, carrots, Grimace, Oompa-Loompas

Would you rather…

be reincarnated as Paris Hilton’s toy poodle

OR

Britney Spears’ next baby?

Would you rather…

have a rare Tourette’s syndrome that causes you to always flip off police officers

OR

one where you uncontrollably moon nuns?

Would you rather…

every time you cry, one person is cured of cancer for every tear

OR

every time you get the hiccups, a random Al Qaeda member is killed for each hiccup?

Would you rather…

have a seven-foot-long tongue

OR

seven-foot-long neck?

Would you rather…

have a helium-filled body

OR

a lead-filled body?

Would you rather…

have your two top front teeth never stop growing

OR

your two bottom front teeth never stop growing?

Things to consider: vision problems, walking problems

Would you rather…

compulsively engage mailmen in sumo contests to try to belly them off your doorstep

OR

compulsively challenge all baristas to arm wrestle?

Would you rather…

have an actual beehive hairdo

OR

have actual mutton chop sideburns?

Would you rather…

have a solar-powered brain

OR

a battery-powered brain?

Things to consider: Who would have your extra battery?, slowing down as power gets low, cloudy days, where would you live?

Would you rather…

occasionally “lose reception” (like when on a cell phone) in conversation and be unable to hear what people are saying

OR

have a belly button that is a black hole that sucks objects within two inches into nothingness?

Would you rather…

snore the sound of a chainsaw

OR

burp with the force of a bathroom hair dryer?

Would you rather…

have to wear a Snuggie in public every day

OR

have to wear an eye patch?

Things to consider: playing sports, business presentations, sleeping on airplanes

Would you rather…

have to drink using only an eye dropper

OR

have to eat using only a thumbtack?

Would you rather…

have to keep a hard-boiled egg in your mouth at all times

OR

have an armadillo chained to your leg at all times?