Читать книгу Would You Rather...? The Big Book - Justin Heimberg - Страница 15
POWERS
ОглавлениеChange isn’t always bad. Sometimes the best thing that can happen to you is being forced to find a new job, having to move on from an unhealthy relationship, or being beamed with high-potency gamma rays granting you the very minor power to levitate muffins. As you contemplate the following questions, remember: “With great power, comes great responsibility.” And remember also: “With very limited power comes very limited responsibility.”
Would you rather…
have the ability to extend yellow lights at traffic signals by 5 seconds
OR
be able to refill your gas tank by playing Air Supply’s Greatest Hits in its entirety on your car stereo?
Would you rather…
for one day a month be able to save your life and reload like in a computer game
OR
be able to musically “montage” in three minutes vast amounts of learning and/or training that would normally take three months?
Would you rather…
have all your blackheads produce beluga caviar when squeezed
OR
have all your whiteheads turn into pearls over the course of a year?
Would you rather…
have psychic visions of available mall parking spots
OR
have the preternatural ability to always choose the fastest checkout line?
Would you rather…
be visited by the “Ghost of Your Sexual Experiences Past”
OR
the “Ghost of Your Sexual Experiences Future”?
Things to consider: What would each show you? What would you learn from it?
Would you rather…
be able to mentally watch any DVD by slipping it into your butt crack
OR
be able to get an Internet connection anywhere as long as you’re pinching your nipples?
Would you rather…
psychically know all the phone prompts to expediently get you to a live customer service person
OR
have the ability to see through egg cartons at the grocery store and know if any of the eggs inside are broken?
Would you rather…
have astonishing ordering instincts and make perfect menu choices in 3.5 seconds
OR
have amazing luck at finding parking spaces with extra time left on the meter?
Would you rather…
be able to change any lamp into Whoopi Goldberg
OR
vice-versa?
Things to consider: How would you use your powers?
Would you rather…
be able to see every human’s “expiration date”
OR
not?
Things to consider: Dude, that’s deep.
Would you rather…
have the ability to mute another person like a TV
OR
be able to change your voice to a Spanish voice-over?
Things to consider: vacationing in Madrid, nagging moms, petulant kids, petulant day-laborers
Would you rather…
have a vagina that can magically validate any parking pass
OR
that can comfortably hold all the contents of your purse? (Men: Read as “have a partner with…”)
Would you rather…
have a penis that comes in handy as a bottle opener
OR
a cigarette lighter?
Would you rather…
have retractable claws
OR
functional gills?
Things to consider: tree climbing, necking
Would you rather…
have corkscrew toenails OR have potato-peeling fingernails?
have silverware fingernails OR lockpick toenails?
a retractable toenail knife OR a retractable middle fingernail extender that accomplishes the effect of giving the finger?
Would you rather…
have an avatar that is an eagle-creature OR panther-creature?
wolf-creature OR spider-creature?
emu-creature OR Paula Poundstone-creature?
Would you rather…
have lemon-flavored hangnails
OR
have denim scabs?
Would you rather…
have the ability to will food to fall out of vending machines
OR
be born with a calculator on your ankle?
Would you rather…
be able to summon swarms of bugs
OR
be able to kill bugs with mini-lasers shot from your eyes?
Would you rather…
be able to spit with the force of a blow dart gun
OR
teleport the gas of your farts anywhere within a 100-foot radius?
Things to consider: killing birds, killing careers
Would you rather…
be able to eat unlimited food without gaining weight
OR
be able to eat free in any restaurant?
Would you rather…
have x-ray peripheral vision
OR
have the ability to hear anything exactly 147 feet away?
Would you rather…
be able to come in fourth in any race any time
OR
be able to perfectly forge anyone’s handwriting but only when writing the phrase “I want pudding!”
Things to consider: selling forged President Obama-signed photos (where he evidently wants everyone to know he wants pudding).
Would you rather…
have eyes that can make anyone you want fall in love with you
OR
have eyes that can turn your enemies to stone?
Would you rather…
have skin that lathers whenever you get wet
OR
have refrigerated pockets?
Things to consider: swimming, reaching into your pockets on hot days
Would you rather…
have the ability to communicate with poodles OR pit bulls?
kittens OR elephants?
socks OR bagels?
Would you rather…
be given life-long “butting in line” privileges
OR
life-long “profanity at any time” privileges?
Would you rather…
have an hour-long chat with your 15-year-old self
OR
with your 60-year-old self?
Things to consider: What would you say? What would you ask?
Would you rather…
be able to cure cases of malaria by holding your hand against the foreheads of the infirmed
OR
be able to telekinetically deliver titty-twisters?
Would you rather…
every time you sneeze, a $20 bill is hidden somewhere in your house
OR
every time you poop, a $100 bill is hidden somewhere inside the BM?
Would you rather…
have the ability to shrink down to one inch in height
OR
the ability to grow to 100 feet in height?
Would you rather…
have a tape measurer tongue
OR
be able to blow into your own body to make it a flotation device?
Would you rather…
have ear speakers that broadcast whatever music you imagine in your head
OR
have the ability to make anyone speak in a Jamaican accent?
Would you rather…
have the ability to control the movements of ants
OR
be able to communicate with birds to direct them exactly where to poop?
Would you rather…
have a pony tail lasso
OR
have elastic testicles which you use like a mace to fight crime?
Would you rather…
have anything you touch turn to gold OR to Silly Putty?
silver OR Nerf?
cheese OR become helium-filled?
Things to consider: touching furniture, pets, family, friends, enemies
