Читать книгу You Don't Know Anything...! - Nadir Psy.D. Baksh PhD - Страница 10

As soon as the Schneider family entered therapy we knew it was going to take some major restructuring to define each parent’s role with relation to their two children, Adam and Cheryl, ages fourteen and fifteen respectively. From the moment the parents began an attempt to relay to us what they believed the problems were in the household, Adam began talking over his father, accusing him of “not having a clue” what he was talk-ing about. Cheryl chimed in, saying, “Both our parents are so lame, it’s ridiculous that we even have to be here.” Then both teens agreed they had better things to do with their time than to spend it in a therapy session.

Mr. and Mrs. Schneider shrugged their shoulders helplessly and said, “You see, this is what we have to put up with.”

We told the teens that we were here to assist the family to learn better methods of communicating with each other, methods that were based on respect and common courtesy. They looked blank, and bored, until we got their attention by saying, “If your parents agree, all of you will be spending one hour each week with us, working on your ability to be more pleasant and courteous.”

The teens were shocked that someone had dared to challenge their authority; certainly their parents had little capability of setting boundaries with regard to the manner in which they were spoken to. We identified those areas that we believed constituted respectful conversation and those that did not. The siblings were quick to accuse us of forcing them to “act fake” and of not allowing them to say what was on their minds.

The Schneiders looked to us for guidance, as they were about to be manipulated by the very idea that their children should be able to speak aloud anything that was on their minds, to the detriment of others. We explained to the teenagers that their ideas and concerns were not being “shut down,” but that the way in which they approached their conversation was to be reworked. For the next three weeks Adam and Cheryl rebelled at this new style of respectful conversation, until we announced the creation of a behavior chart that would assist them in “remembering” how to speak with their parents. Within one week of upholding consequences that were the direct result of disrespect, both Schneider teens quickly changed their tunes; although they did not like having to modify what had become a game of putting their parents on the defensive, they disliked being without their privileges more. The Schneider adults continued in therapy for several more months while they gained some much-needed parenting skills.

In our opinion, respect is one of the four cornerstones of behavior, along with trust, kindness and integrity. Without these cornerstones, there is nothing solid upon which a strong foundation can be built, and without a foundation, your child’s behavior will have no base for positive growth and development. The rules of conduct are made not by us but by society, and observing them—or failing to observe them—will determine your child’s future. Disrespect in school today may only get your teenager one hour in study hall, but in the vast arena of life, their disrespect may one day cost them their employment or their marriage.

We have all stood in the presence of someone who has spoken their mind to the detriment of others, ignorantly displaying bias or gender harassment, and we have all pondered their upbringing. That adult is your child if you do not curtail their insistence on saying every hurtful comment that pops into their head.