Читать книгу You Don't Know Anything...! - Nadir Psy.D. Baksh PhD - Страница 15

Stanley was offended at being brought into therapy by his parents. “I don’t see what the problem is. I decide when my curfew is, and I decide what my bedtime is. Nobody tells them [pointing to his parents] when to go to bed,” he said. “How would they like it if I decided their bedtime?”

Stanley was unable to grasp the fact that since he did not make rules for his parents, he was expected to abide by the rules that they made for him. Yet, he did not have trouble adhering to the rules of therapy. If he was told to come to a scheduled appointment, he drove himself to the appointment on time. If he was asked to write a letter to his friend who had betrayed him, he did it without the least objection. He did not feel comfortable trying to upend the therapy agenda because he was unfamiliar with the arena; he recognized his place as the “patient” and not the doctor.

In his household, Stanley had been given “equal rights” with regard to his place in the family. He had been asked what he wanted to wear, what he wanted to eat, and where he wanted to go from the age when he first began to understand human speech. It was little wonder, then, that he could not discern the difference between being the parent and the child once he became a teenager, where his decisions could not be left to his own desires.

There were many setbacks in therapy, as Stanley’s parents were continually willing to negotiate with their son rather than sticking to their parental plan. With each inconsistency Stanley became empowered and therapy had to begin again, with several steps backward. But because of their frustration, Stanley’s parents eventually made enough of a commitment to therapy that they were able to stand their ground and begin to regain their position as head of the household.

Now, two years later, although things have much improved, Stanley still missteps every so often, almost as if to test his parents’ ability to follow through.

It goes without saying that your teenagers should never be compared to their friends or siblings; they are individuals who have been born with gifts and talents that are uniquely theirs. While disrespectful conduct may tempt you to make a comparison out of frustration, or during an angry outburst, check yourself and make sure that no matter how hard you have to bite your tongue, not a word spills out that sounds like you wish your child was more like someone else.

There will be plenty of trying times, and innumerable tests of your endurance, but words spoken can never be taken back, and they hurt. If you have made this mistake in the past, it is not too late to rectify the situation. Go back and apologize, not only to the child who feels “inferior” but to the one against whom you have measured your unmanageable teen. Both have suffered or feel guilty because of your comments, and both will resent the other in years to come if this situation isn’t remedied.

But how about when the shoe is on the other foot? What about the way you feel when your son or daughter does not want to speak with you, or avoids being with you, muttering derogatory comments about your character? Aside from the fact that this behavior is disrespectful, it is also hurtful. We call this behavior “parental rejection.” During normal teenage phases, your children will displace their anger and frustrations on the safest person, and often the target of their agitation is a parent. It doesn’t feel good to you, and, truthfully, it doesn’t feel good to them, but because of their immaturity they often cannot control the impulse to lash out and hurt someone.

One reason your teens choose to lash out at home is because you have given them your unconditional love, and as much as they are disappointed by their own behavior, they are also pretty sure you are never going to turn your back on them, or stop loving them. That is what parents are called to do—love their children when they are most unlovable.

When you have been hurt by your son or daughter, you must resist the urge to retaliate. If you hurl insults back, they will be forever scarred by your words, even if they were only said in anger. As the adult in this situation, it is up to you to control your temper. Know that your teenager loves you, and forgive their immaturity. That does not mean overlook the immaturity; this behavior still warrants a consequence. But let your adolescent know that you do not hold against them what they have said to you. They will look back on these days with astonishment, wondering how you could have loved them when it seemed no one else could.