Читать книгу Legend of the Peeing briton - Павел Тюрин - Страница 5

A prospective model of the monument to Blockhead.

It will win the contest in the future.

But for now it is still in the sculptor’s workshop

There are so many reasons to wish humanity evil

that laughing at them is showing kindness

Henry de Montherland

Even though the plans to build ‘The Monument to the First Briton Peeing’ have just been released the author has already received an overpowering flood of jubilant comments. This new hero is becoming a serious competitor to our countryman, the legendary Baron Munchhausen, as Blockhead epitomises the glory of the ‘British genius’ that has manifested its special talent on the Latvian soil. The events that followed were even more impressive than the Baron’s hunt for deer, duck, etc. This new contemporary epic is about a fascinating life of a monument, and a man who dared to cross paths with customary respect for traditions. His story is supported by evidence of unusual, sometimes fantastical events that occurred after November 11 2006 in Riga,[5] even though their accuracy is hard to prove now.

Below is but one example of the apocryphe written on the pedestal of the monument and its accuracy is questionable.

They say that on that night, one tipsy tourist from England stumbled upon the monument of Freedom. He saw the inscription ‘Tēvzemei un Brīvībai’ (Latvian for ‘to Fatherland and Freedom’), compared the letters to those in his Latvian-English phrase book, nodded his agreement and started to pee on the foundation. Doing so he exclaimed: ‘To freedom, yours and ours!’ Then he elaborated: ‘Freedom and fatherland can not coexist!’

It was a substantial minus in his favour

The policemen on duty hit the ceiling in indignation as they saw and heard him. They jumped to apprehend him and as they ran they saw two beavers sawing off a tree quite illegally. The policemen yelled: ‘You’ll be the witnesses!’, but the beavers disappeared almost at once. Truth be told, as soon as they reached the monument they noticed that the puddle below this Brit was forming a shape mirroring the familiar contours of the Latvian map. And it was obvious that Abrene[6] became a part of Latvia again. Since their knowledge of the English language was ‘limited’ they could not comprehend what on Earth it meant – ‘What is the meaning of zees?’ They were also puzzled as how to treat this belated support of the Briton in his demand for the re-establishment of the old borders in the most politically correct fashion. The policemen really did not want to do wrong and cause the protests from Russian, and maybe also from Lithuanian[7] sides. So they did not insist that the tourist should change his peeing patterns: ‘Be more precise!’

At first the policemen tried to persuade him to make a few steps aside and use the nearby bathroom, but the foreigner ignored them, and instead stripped out of his clothes, apparently to entertain his buddies who, by the way, photographed their mate like that. The policemen reached their limit and delivered the silly gentleman to the station. Perhaps the sculpture is supposed to show how the Briton preformed in the drunk tank.

Or was that after a night on the jailhouse bed, when his drinking buddies met him the day after? As ignited as he was, he left once the bail was paid. Who can say now! They tell all kinds of stories.

Revolutionary ideas and shocking behaviour have lives of their own according to the way they are perceived and the memorable demonstration by Richard Blockhead is just one more example of this.[8] Many people identified with the ‘Peeing Briton’ and who knows, perhaps our reader would also find an impulse akin to Richard’s liberation manifesto.

Yet another publication depicting the triumph of a new ‘British’ fashion in a weekly Riga newspaper ‘7 Secrets’ of 4 February 2010. Members of ‘The Peeing British Club’ are willing to pay a fortune at Sotheby’s for an original issue

What follows is written for those readers who find themselves disconnected from civilization, socially blind, deaf, or having been otherwise incapacitated and have not heard much of Richard Blockhead. For those we provide a review of the newsagents’ reports as well as commentaries on the brave demonstration of Blockhead by various media. Readers who take advantage of the info will become aware of the resonance this event caused, and once again certain that our contemporary society has long been awaiting from its heroes, a proof of the end of modern culture and the meaninglessness of its imagery and harmony.