Читать книгу Legend of the Peeing briton - Павел Тюрин - Страница 6

One Riga paper chose to announce the opening of the ‘Peeing Briton’ monument under such headline in its ‘Shame on you!’ page. It also shared the optimal practice of use of the monument. It is to be equipped with an open street urinal for men only, made to look like an open side pocket. Since the monument is to stand in the historical centre of Riga, near the English Club men can come and do like the ‘Brit’ did – pee on the peeing!

Each and every one will be able to stand next to the sculpture and go for a number 1. But one has to be alert during dark November evenings, especially on the 11th when a real flood of tourists is expected, so not to confuse the peeing statue with a man peeing into it. And of course, men have to take precaution and make sure that they are not taken for a monument either. If one wants to be truly safe they should ask: Do you speak English? If one hears no answer one can assume that it is safe to pee.

We have to say that at this point people are already anxious about this being the only sculptural urinal in the city. We definitely need more of these made in a variety of materials should it be cement, lead, or marble.

But the Puritans of the city are worried about a different matter. They are concerned about a famous tourist superstition that rubbing certain parts of famous sculptures can fulfil the wishes. According to the Puritan representatives, this superstition will cause people to rub the Brit’s offending organ until it is polished to gold. As such this part will radiate such sex appeal that will shine even in the middle of night and will disturb the good people.

Such a treasure will surely attract even the newlyweds who will come to the monument in their limousines and lay flowers at its feet. Also the gay parades (to hell with ’em!) will conclude their demonstrations with ritualistic dance around it. The only thing left to advise to these overly pious Puritans is to come and paint the British member, just like Pope Pius the Fourth painted over Michelangelo’s images in the 16th century. That is if they want to contest Pius’s piousness.

Everybody knows that ‘Chizhik-Pyzhik’[10] was stolen in St. Petersburg, or that the ‘Little Mermaid’s’ head was sawn off in Copenhagen. And now we have it here, too. When the protruding part of the peeing Brit achieved a blindingly bright polish someone sawed it off at night. The flower girl named Elisa who was usually selling flowers just around the corner on Pils street reported the following to us: ‘Somebody pinched it; and what I say is, them as pinched it sawed it off!’[11] Next we asked who pinched it and who sawed it off for which she retorted: ‘Wha’ ja mean “who?” The ungodly pious uns. The Puranians castrated ‘im!’

As if that wasn’t enough soon after this act of vandalism, while the city council was busy looking for a worthy substitute, somebody from the local flea market installed a halogen lamp with a battery in place of the missing member. They must have done so out of sympathy. But in any case, now the monument serves as a light in the darkness of the narrow street. So as you see, we indeed have very real causes for worry.