Читать книгу Goodbye, Hurt & Pain - Deborah Sandella - Страница 23

Within anger is an implicit fear of loss of control/comfort—like a child throwing a temper tantrum: “Something's not going my way, and I don't like it.” Yes, our infantile need for comfort continues regardless of age. The good news is when the crying baby in us gets loud, our adult self can listen, soothe, and learn to understand the cause.

Anger is commonly misunderstood. Synonyms that surface in an online thesaurus search describe anger as a very strong attitude: “bitterness, cantankerousness, vexation, acrimony, antagonism, violence, peevishness, petulance, ill humor, ill temper.”

Do you sense the implication? There is a subtle suggestion the angry person has a difficult personality. Who wants to be labeled that way? Over the years, many of us have learned to shut off feelings of anger for fear of sounding ill-tempered, demanding, and antagonistic.

Growing up with a first-generation Italian father, my childhood experiences with raw anger were somewhat frightening. When I visited Italy in college, I witnessed angry outbursts frequently and began to understand my dad. The dramatic verbal expression of anger I saw there is common and fleeting; it is not necessarily personal or threatening. In fact, you frequently see it between people who are strangers on Italian streets. It is a dramatic acknowledgment that something has happened you did not expect and do not like. The speaker lets it be known in a passionate voice that there is a perceived offense, and then it is done. It is interesting to note that in stroke research anger did not increase the risk of stroke or ministroke, but hostility did. Anger like I saw in Italy is fleeting, whereas hostility is enduring. Furthermore, the incidence of stroke in southern Italy where my grandparents grew up is significantly lower than in other European countries.⁴ (Diet differences, however, were not considered in the study.)

Anger, like all emotion, is feedback from our built-in navigational system. It warns us we may be facing a potential violation externally or internally. As we understand from hardwired home security systems, most violations are false alarms without an actual intruder, but we just don't know until we investigate. Though rare, when a real burglar is in the area, we definitely want to be alerted so we can protect ourselves. Anger operates like a personal emotional security system. Feelings of anger warn you something dangerous could happen and further investigation is indicated to determine if action is needed to stay safe.

You can see how disregarding angry feelings may keep you from recognizing a real violation in your midst and you could get hurt. In fact, Siegman and Smith, editors of Anger, Hostility, and the Heart, found when they reviewed the literature preceding 2013 that repressed anger is associated with autoimmune diseases.⁵

I remember that in my early twenties as a single, “nice Catholic girl” afraid of being “bitchy,” I distanced myself from any hint of rising anger. As a result, I constantly felt confused. Clarity about friends and dating relationships evaded me, and I frequently postponed discerning decisions because I was living in a blur. Eventually, the influence of the women's movement dissolved these old assumptions, and I grew brave enough to sense and acknowledge angry feelings. Wow! What a breakthrough. I finally knew enough about myself to trust I could keep myself safe—my feelings would tell me when I needed to investigate. I was empowered to determine who/what was safe or not.

On the other hand, assuming all anger means a real burglar is in your midst is inaccurate and will lead you to feel the world is a more dangerous place than it is, which could compromise a healthy sense of trust. When we constantly assess our anger as a real violation without investigation, it snowballs into an attitude of anger or hostility, defined by researchers Siegman and Smith as a cynical and negative expectation of life. Their review of previous studies finds hostility to be associated with coronary heart disease (CHD).

An interesting 2015 study analyzed language used on Twitter and found that people reflecting “negative emotions—especially anger—were at significantly greater risk for cardiovascular mortality” than those with positive emotional language patterns. The study controlled for income and education factors. The researchers suggest: “A cross-sectional regression model based only on Twitter language predicted AHD [atherosclerotic heart disease] mortality significantly better than did a model that combined ten common demographic, socioeconomic, and health risk factors including smoking, diabetes, hypertension, and obesity.”⁶

Siegman and Smith further found that verbally sharing anger is positive and insightful, while an explosive, aggressive expression of anger is toxic to the heart. The research identifies the dangerous element to be aggressiveness, while Raymond A. DiGiuseppe, coauthor of the 2006 book Understanding Anger Disorders, finds revenge is the major driver of whether someone will behave in an aggressive way. He says it's hard to change such people with anger management classes because they feel justified in their feeling.⁷

Interestingly, the research reflects a significant difference between how men and women handle similar levels of anger, with men scoring higher on “aggressive expression of anger.” Men show higher levels of “hostility” in comparison to women who are more likely to express their anger in a “communicative fashion.” The male editors share a powerful conclusion: “It is not at all unreasonable to suggest that gender differences in anger-hostility may account for the gender differences in coronary heart disease.”⁸

Anger is feedback from the psyche and body that suggests you pay attention and investigate further to see what's happening because, although an uncommon occurrence, your safety could be jeopardized. When anger is fully allowed and understood, it becomes mobilizing, and decisions can be made that assure emotional and physical health. Twenty years of witnessing clients dealing with anger through the RIM process has shown me that identifying the underlying source of anger rapidly accelerates an understanding of what's happening and whether there is real danger and what action, if any, is indicated.

For example, Mary was referred to me by her acupuncturist because she continued to experience physical symptoms secondary to intense, ongoing anger with her ex-husband, though they had been divorced for six years. He had remarried, but she still was so caught up in hating him for cheating on her, she was unable to enjoy her life. When Mary closed her eyes, followed her attention into her body, and sensed the energy of anger there, she saw it was like a smoldering volcano.

As she acknowledged and greeted this hostile energy she was carrying in her body, the tension began to release. She talked freely to her imagined ex-husband without fear of retaliation or rejection. Gradually, as the emotion poured from her body through her words, she felt some inner openness. She had been holding a tightly wound ball of fury for a long time, and it had taken up a lot of room and required constant energy to contain. With this gut-level emptying of pent-up anger, Mary began to breathe more easily. Her thinking began to relax, and she had spontaneous insights of how she had contributed to the breakup of the marriage. Surprised and able to see she was not just a helpless victim, Mary felt lighter and freer. At the end of her process, she felt ready to begin living her own life in a joyful way.

Her imagination also shared how their young daughter was in need of more fun. Through the unfolding imagery, Mary saw how her hostility was preventing playful interactions. Although regret came with this new awareness, she now felt she could spend time with her daughter differently.

The week after Mary's single session, a follow-up message came from her referral source: “OMG, whatever happened with Mary must have been powerful. Right after her session, she called her ex-husband and apologized to him for her part in the breakup of their relationship, and now she is a different woman!”