Читать книгу Goodbye, Hurt & Pain - Deborah Sandella - Страница 42

Jack is an extremely smart and outgoing twenty-four-year-old. He wants to do something important in the world, but his experience in bioengineering graduate school has become a nightmare. During his two years in a doctoral program, he has sacrificed free time and self-care to conduct research. He thought the project would be perfect because it is centered on curing cancer, but he finds himself feeling depressed and alienated because there is no personal connection to helping people. Instead, he is administering mechanical tests in a solitary lab.

He feels isolated, exhausted, and knows this work does not inspire him, yet strangely he can't quite quit. Even his mother, who has a doctorate in engineering, sees this program is not a good fit with his personality and has urged him to leave. His parents are so worried about his visible decline, they offer to finance a transition to something different. Though he knows he would be happier and healthier pursuing a personal passion, it is as if he were stuck in concrete. His parents fear suicide because he seems to be on a downhill slide and unable to take action to save himself. Desperate, they arrange for him to have a phone session, since the results are just as good as in person.

Jack describes his life as miserable with little time for exercise, eating well, or friends. His school commitments permeate every aspect of his day, including sleep when he is assigned middle-of-the-night data inputs. He is so depressed that he further isolates from friends, which leaves his life reduced to work, sleep, and junk food. Still, he is immobilized and unable to speak with his supervising professor, who has a reputation for driving his students harder than anyone else in the school.

Sitting in his car on his cell phone to accommodate his research schedule, Jack begins his session by closing his eyes and gently turning his attention from the external world to an inner experience. His awareness is drawn to his Adam's apple, which appears as an orange pyramid with the point poking out through the front of his neck. As he moves his attention into the center of this pyramid to inhabit it, his imagination instantly materializes a very uncomfortable feeling of standing in choppy water. With prompting, his imagination materializes someone to calm his unease: a favorite high school teacher, Mr. Jamison, appears, and Jack immediately feels better. Finding this “good” feeling in his body, he senses warmth in his stomach.

Embracing the warmth, Jack spontaneously sees flashes of playing hockey with his friends back home. In his mind's eye, he takes off his shoes and runs up a hill laughing freely. The heaviness is gone; instead he feels weightless. His voice is transformed, and I can hear the happiness beneath his words. He rests in this exquisite experience until it feels complete.

As he looks from this current scene back to the image of himself as a graduate student he realizes:

I'm so sad I haven't been true to myself. I don't even recognize myself when I look at this person who is dead because he's given his life away to strive for something that holds no personal passion or meaning.

Sensing this sad feeling expressed in his body, Jack finds a black mass on top of his heart. As he moves his awareness into this energy, he invites an image of someone he needs to speak to—whereupon the image of Professor T, his current demanding supervisor, pops up.

With his high school teacher Mr. Jamison supporting him from just behind his right shoulder, Jack speaks:

Professor T, I never wanted to go negative on you. This research is your life, not mine. I'm not happy. I'm sad because I have spent so much time here. These years have changed me. I'm not myself here. I haven't been honest with you, and it feels good to recognize the truth now and speak it to you. Your grad students want a life outside research. You just expect us to do what you ask and give up our lives. You're not a bad person, it's just that I'm not like you. I wish you could see who I was before and how miserable I am now. I hate every minute of every day, yet I force myself to do it. And there's no opportunity to recoup. It's destroyed the things I really care about in my life, like my relationships and my health. It just doesn't work for me and I can see I need to move on.

Moving into Professor T, Jack senses his response:

Jack, I wasn't aware that you were unhappy here. I do push students too hard sometimes. I guess I'm so passionate about this research, I love every minute. I can't imagine feeling the way you do and remaining in this program. You have to do what's best for you.

Jack feels really good now and turns to Mr. Jamison to hear what he has to say. Looking out from Mr. Jamison's eyes, he senses:

Jack, it was tough. You turned away from your true self because you worried about money. Follow your heart, Jack; it's never too late. Chasing after money or fame makes you miserable. You're on earth for a reason; you'll figure it out. You have a big heart, but you focused on things that weren't you. Now you can be yourself again. I'll always be here to support you.

Jack feels strong and confident, like his best self. A few weeks later, he calls to say:

When we did that session, I thought the way my professor responded was merely what I wanted to hear, but when I actually talked to him, he said exactly that. He was understanding and sympathetic and sad to hear I'd been so unhappy without him realizing it. In fact, he said I was such a good researcher he really hated to lose me, but he couldn't imagine being so miserable in his life's work. He suggested I reap the reward of my efforts by putting in three months of summer school so I can graduate with a master's degree. I'm totally relieved. I can make it through these three months, knowing that an engineering master's will help me get a job and finance the exploring of the things I'm passionate about. It's amazing how quickly I feel hopeful again.

Jack's story reveals the power of imagination to accurately sense what's happening. Jack's imagination had revealed what the actual conversation with his teacher would be like.