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Have you ever wanted a responsible, mature partner, only to end up with an irresponsible, unreliable person who drove you crazy?

Have you ever told yourself you were ready for a long-term, committed relationship, and were looking for someone who felt the same way, only to end up falling in love with someone who was unavailable or incapable of making a commitment?

Have you ever vowed never again to get involved with someone who was emotionally shut down and distant, only to find yourself hopelessly infatuated with someone who couldn’t love you back the way you deserved to be loved?

Have you ever wondered why you’ve ended up with the partners you’ve had?

We all think we know what we want in a mate. We don’t want any unhealthy or negative qualities, just lots of great ones. So we get frustrated and disappointed when we end up in a relationship with someone different from, and usually much less wonderful than, our ideal.

I’m sure you’ve read the ‘Personals’ in magazines and newspapers, those columns of ads where single people advertise for the kind of mate they would like to meet. If you had to write an Emotional Want Ad describing the kind of partner you were looking for, it would probably sound something like this:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Attractive, sensitive, caring person for permanent relationship. Must be emotionally open, able to talk about feelings, unafraid of intimacy. Successful but not a workaholic, with a great sense of humor. Knows how to make me feel really loved and appreciated. If you are healthy, honest, faithful, and ready for a commitment, I’m the one for you!

The truth is, if you had to match your Emotional Want Ads to the partners you have actually ended up with, they might read more like these:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Self-absorbed, damaged loser who has lots of potential and is doing nothing with it. Must be immature, irresponsible, and lazy. Low sex drive a bonus. No skills, background, or success required. If you are looking for someone to make empty promises to and like to blame others for your failures, call me now. Note: Men with jobs need not apply.

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Are you married? Engaged? Unable to make a commitment? Then I’m the woman for you. I’m looking for an unavailable man for a long, painful, and frustrating relationship. No time or energy required. I’ll do all the work. Call anytime, day or night; I’ll be waiting. If you like being dishonest, stringing me along, and thinking only about yourself, you’re my type of guy.

Obviously none of us would ever write ads like these last two or even agree to accept these kinds of relationships into our lives. And yet, we often end up with partners who fit these descriptions.

This chapter is designed to help you understand why you have chosen the partners you’ve been with, or the one you are with now.