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STEP 1 Make a list of the most painful realities or experiences you can recall from childhood, up until you left home. Include things such as ongoing situations (a parent’s alcoholism, for instance), or particular events (being punished or ridiculed by a parent).

SAMPLE SITUATIONS

My parents were divorced.

Mom and Dad always fought.

I was always compared to my ‘perfect’ sister.

I was overweight and always teased.

Dad was never home and cheated on Mom.

We had eight kids in the family and not enough time or money to go around.

Mom was a rageaholic and very moody.

Dad never showed affection or praised me.

Mom died of cancer when I was ten.

I had a stepfather who hated me.

We had a strict religious upbringing and lived in constant fear of sin.

Dad molested me.

SAMPLE EVENTS

Younger brother was born and I was ignored.

My parents put my dog to sleep without telling me.

Dad promised to come to my birthday party and never showed up.

I saw Dad beat up my brother.

I found Mom drunk and unconscious.

I thought Mom left me behind in a store.

My parents didn’t believe me when I told them my brother had molested me.

My father let go of me in the ocean and I almost drowned.

My best friend dropped me and told everyone she hated me when I was eleven.

STEP 2 Think carefully about each item on your list, and ask yourself, ‘What decisions did I make about myself, others, or life because of this experience?’ Then write down your decisions next to the appropriate memory. Take your time doing this, and if you get stuck on one, go on to another and come back to the first one later.

Don’t be surprised if many of the decisions you made when you were young are similar.

EXAMPLES:

STEP 3 After thinking about the decisions you made due to a particular experience or circumstance, write down how this emotional programming has affected your love choices and the kinds of partners you choose. This is the hardest portion of this exercise, but the most important. You may want to think about this over a period of days, and talk with close friends or your partner to help clarify your ideas. Keep adding to your list as new revelations surface.

We’ve been talking about Ann throughout this chapter, and earlier we saw her summary list and her Emotional Want Ad. ‘WANTED: Angry, unemployed control freak for demeaning relationship.’ Now look at her emotional programming table.