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I’m sure you have been able to relate to some if not many parts of this chapter. Don’t be surprised if your personal experience is a combination of several things: Maybe you concluded that you’ve been ‘going home’ by choosing partners who don’t make you feel special, because that’s what your childhood was like, and have been falling in love with men or women just like Mom or Dad in order to rescue them. You may even have to read this chapter over several times before you can digest all of the information it contains. Here are some suggestions that will help:

Make sure to do all of the exercises I’ve included. They really work. Don’t avoid the ones that are scary—they are probably the ones you need to do most.

Write down all of the realizations and insights you have about yourself and your love choices. Putting your thoughts into words will help make them more tangible and will start the process of helping you change your emotional programming.

If you are in a relationship, share your insights with your partner, and ask him or her to read the book and do the same. If you are not in a relationship, do this with a close friend. THE MORE YOU TALK ABOUT YOUR NEW REALIZATIONS, THE LESS YOU WILL TEND TO FORGET THEM.

This chapter is titled ‘Why We Choose the People We love.’ We’ve talked about emotional programming, completing childhood business, trying to rescue Mom or Dad, and other unhealthy motivators for choosing a mate.

But what about healthy reasons for falling in love? Don’t they exist? Is it possible to choose a partner because we simply love them? The answer, of course, is YES. That magical feeling of connection called ‘love’ can draw us to someone. What’s important to remember, however, is that even in the best of relationships, many unhealthy patterns may manifest themselves. For instance, you could be in a very happy relationship but notice that you have a tendency to try to fix your partner, or rebel against your mate’s demands for intimacy. These behaviors probably have their source in that emotional programming we discussed.

So if you are in a good relationship, and have discovered that some of the reasons you are together have to do with your emotional programming, don’t panic and think you need to break up or get divorced. Every relationship has some elements of healing in it, and there is nothing better than having a partner with whom you feel safe. You can work together to heal the wounded parts in each of you.

And if you are in a relationship you suspect is not healthy, read Chapter Eleven in this book to help you determine whether to stay in a relationship.

I know this can be a painful, though enlightening, chapter to read, and I’m proud of you for having had the courage to finish it! There is a wonderful quote by George Santayana:

‘Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.’

None of us can ever fully escape from the influence of our past. I truly believe, however, that by remembering, we can turn the pain of our poor choices into wonderful lessons that help us create the healthy and loving relationships we desire.