Читать книгу Are You the One for Me? - Barbara Angelis De - Страница 32

As human beings, we gravitate toward the familiar. We like to sleep on the same side of the bed each night, to park in the same space at work, to go back to our favorite vacation spot. Returning to the familiar is a basic instinct that gives our lives a sense of continuity and safety in a chaotic and changing universe. Unfortunately, this instinct can work against us.

WE OFTEN SEEK OUT EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS THAT ARE SIMILAR TO THOSE WE EXPERIENCED IN CHILDHOOD, REGARDLESS OF WHETHER THOSE EXPERIENCES WERE POSITIVE OR NEGATIVE.

I call this pattern ‘going home.’ Here’s how it works.

When you were a young child, your home was the main source of love and safety in your life. Even if there was violence or chaos in your household, it was still ‘home’—it was where you were fed and had a place to sleep and received some sort of attention. So you associate love with home. You also associate home with other characteristics, based on your experiences at home. For instance, if your parents fought a lot, you might have an equation in your mind that says home = chaos. If you weren’t shown much love or affection, your equation might be home = loneliness. If one of your parents was abusive, it might be home = fear.

Remember your basic math from school, where you learned:

If A = B, and B = C, then A = C

Let’s use this same principle to illustrate ‘going home’:

If love = home, and home = chaos, then love = chaos.

If love = home, and home = loneliness, then love = loneliness.

If love = home, and home = fear, then love = fear.

YOUR MIND WILL EQUATE WHATEVER ASSOCIATIONS YOU HAVE ABOUT ‘HOME’ WITH WHAT LOVE IS SUPPOSED TO FEEL LIKE.

So if home felt like chaos, you might seek unstable partners who will help you create dramatic, chaotic relationships. If home felt like loneliness, you might seek a partner who doesn’t give you enough love, affection, or attention, so that you end up feeling lonely. If home felt like fear, you might attract someone who always criticizes you, threatens to leave, or makes you jealous, so that you always feel fearful. You unconsciously choose what is familiar—you are going home.

Obviously, we all have positive associations with home as well, which we also seek to reproduce in our adult life. I’ve found, however, that it is the more painful associations that can cause the most trouble, because they are usually unconscious. In other words, if you came from a home where your parents showed you a lot of affection but criticized one another, you might consciously seek a partner who was very loving, but unconsciously attract someone who was critical.