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Remember Mitchell, the thirty-six-year-old attorney who kept attracting women who smothered him and depended on him to fix their lives? Here is his list about home and love:

HOME & LOVE = Drama

Lack of stability

Responsibility

Mom’s pain

Crisis

No child-hood

Mitchell’s mother was an alcoholic who couldn’t function as an adult half of the time. When she wasn’t passed out, she was on an emotional roller coaster. Mitchell’s dad was a quiet, passive man whose method of dealing with his wife’s disease was denial. As the oldest child in the family, Mitchell ended up taking on much of the responsibility that should have been his mother’s—cooking, cleaning, caring for his younger sisters and brother. In this way, he really had no childhood.

Mitchell’s biggest burden, however, was the emotional one he took on in trying to fix his mother. ‘I loved my mom so much,’ Mitchell shared, ‘but nothing I could do would get her to stop drinking. I felt like I was her only hope. No wonder I don’t realize how screwed up these women are when I meet them,’ he exclaimed. ‘Emotionally unstable, dramatic women seem ‘normal’ to me. It feels familiar—just like home. It’s what I experienced every day of my life’

Does becoming aware of his emotional programming completely eradicate it for Mitchell? Of course not. But now that he is conscious of his ‘weakness’ for rescuing messed-up women, he can be much more vigilant about making sure to choose self-sufficient, healthy partners.

Now it’s your turn to look at your emotional programming about home and love.

EXERCISE: DEFINING ‘LOVE’ AND ‘HOME’:

STEP 1 Make a list of the negative associations you have with the word ‘home’ from childhood. Try to use a word or phrase, as in the examples above, rather than a long description.

STEP 2 Substitute the word ‘love’ for ‘home’ to understand more about your unconscious programming regarding love.

STEP 3 Compare your ‘love =’ list to your summary list of negative qualities in partners. Notice the similarities, and determine if you’ve been ‘going home’ by loving the partners you have chosen.