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Now that you’ve made your Love Choices Chart and worked on your summary list, it’s time for you to face the truth about the kinds of partners you’ve chosen in your life.

TO FIND OUT WHAT KIND OF PERSON YOU’VE BEEN SEEKING, LOOK AT THE KIND OF PARTNERS YOU’VE ENDED UP WITH.

You don’t end up with your mates by accident.

You don’t attract someone because you have bad luck.

You don’t find the same type of person over and over again by coincidence.

You get what you ask for!

I believe that we get back what we put out, that our unconscious mind has certain ‘agendas’ or needs, and based on these needs, we choose particular partners in our lives. Ann could insist to herself and her friends that she truly wanted a loving, open, stable, responsible man, but in truth, and as shown by her summary list, she attracted men who were angry, unreliable, self-absorbed, jobless, and sexually dysfunctional. Mitchell claimed he longed to find a strong, independent woman, and yet he continually attracted immature, overly dramatic women who needed rescuing.

One of the most effective ways to sum up the kind of person you’ve been unknowingly seeking, whether in your past or today, is to create your own Emotional Want Ad. You’ve actually already found the ingredients for your want ad in your Love Choices summary list.

Here’s what to do.

Write a want ad using the char-acteristics you have on your summary list. Make the ad as direct and as humorous as you can. It’s okay to make fun of yourself and your past choices. In fact, the more dramatic and outrageous your ad is, the more it can help you to break free from the negative emotional patterns that have been hurting your love life.

Here is Ann’s Love Choices summary list once more:

Angry

Dishonest

Moody

Irresponsible

Unreliable

Sexually dysfunctional

Self-absorbed

Jobless

Hates talking about feelings

Controlling

Now here is how Ann’s Emotional Want Ad might sound:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Angry, unemployed control freak for long, demeaning relationship. Must be moody, manipulative, and an expert at making me tiptoe around in fear, because that’s what I like. The more you keep me guessing, the happier I’ll be. Men with ambition or a clean credit record need not apply. If you are looking for someone to love you no matter how unavailable and obnoxious you become, then I’m the girl for you. Chronic lateness and lying are real pluses. Don’t worry if you can’t get it up—I’ll pretend you’re normal and won’t ever complain. Call whenever you want to—after all, you’re the boss.

Here is Mitchell’s Love Choices summary list once more:

Drama queen

Controlling

Obsessive

Victim

Emotionally unstable

Immature

Sexually damaged

Here’s how Mitchell’s Emotional Want Ad might sound:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Do you hate yourself? Do you hate the world? Do you like to blame everyone else for what’s gone wrong in your life? I’m looking for an immature, sexually damaged woman who will whine and complain twenty-four hours a day. Eating disorders, drug addiction, or other obsessions are definite pluses. You must be good at jumping out of moving cars, hanging up on me on the phone, and throwing temper tantrums in expensive restaurants. Hate being touched? Then you are perfect for me! If you call your parents less than once a day, don’t bother applying, because I’m not looking for a grown-up. Call me in the middle of the night, or better yet, at work during an important meeting. Don’t worry about interrupting—nothing is as important as you and your latest crisis.

Writing your Emotional Want Ad can be very confrontational, because it forces you to look at the message you’ve been giving out about the kind of partner you are willing to accept. But it is a powerful way to break your own negative programming by taking what has been unconscious and making it conscious.

DONT SKIP THIS EXERCISE, EVEN IF IT IS UNCOMFORTABLE. WORK ON YOUR WANT AD UNTIL IT IS SO STRONG THAT IT MAKES YOU LAUGH.

Here are a couple more samples written by some of the participants at my seminars:

Cynthia was married for thirty-two years before she divorced her husband. She wrote this want ad based on her list formulated from their relationship:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Moody asshole who doesn’t know how to talk. Sign language O.K. I’m looking for a man to glue himself to the couch, watch sports day and night, and belch. The more boring you are, the more I like you. No need to shave or shower frequently. I like to be disgusted. Denial a must. Don’t ever admit that we have any problems. Erections not necessary.

Carl, thirty-six, keeps attracting women who don’t think he is good enough for them. Here is his want ad:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

I know you are out there. You: gorgeous, superficial, obsessed with money, cars, and being seen by the right people. Me: not good enough for you. Together we’ll be perfect. You’ll constantly put me down, and I’ll love it. I need a woman who will make me feel inadequate. Humiliation in public a big plus, especially around your friends. If you spend hours getting dressed and putting on makeup and haven’t read a book in years, you are just what I am looking for. Please call—I need you to make me feel worthless.

Francine, forty-three, has a history of attracting charming but cruel men. Here is her want ad:

^_________ WANTED: ^_________

Hey There! Do you like hurting the one you love? Are you interested in a long, drawn-out, painful relationship fraught with multiple breakups and reconciliations? I’m looking for someone to make me miserable. I’m not picky; addictions welcome. Call any time day or night. My good night’s sleep is nothing compared to the pure pleasure of hearing from you. Your thoughtless impulse to call after an evening of drinking and whoring will be viewed as the ultimate in attentiveness and a compliment to my desirability as a woman. Hurry. There are many men even more troubled than yourself applying at this very moment.

Over the years I’ve helped thousands of people understand more about their relationships through making Love Choices Charts and Emotional Want Ads. Remember: We’re not looking at the positive qualities in your partners, but the pattern of negative or undesirable qualities.

LOCATING THE PERSISTENT, NEGATIVE PATTERNS IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS IS THE FIRST STEP TOWARD ELIMINATING THOSE PATTERNS.