Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 12

The most important thing in a couples dialogue is that talking, listening, understanding, and empathy are all separate from each other. As mentioned earlier, active listening, speaking in “I” messages, appreciation, and acknowledgment are the critical elements of communication. In couples dialogue, all of these elements are united.

The principle is as follows: the two partners sit opposite each other, as close as possible, and look into each other’s eyes. It’s agreed that one person speaks first, while the other listens. After a while, they can switch. The person speaking talks about an occasion, a problem, an irritation, a happy experience, or whatever topic arises. As a host in their country, they make sure that their counterpart understands everything well. The person listening is the attentive visitor. Their job is to listen and “mirror,” that is, to repeat what was heard as precisely as possible.

The advantage of separating talking and listening is that one doesn’t have to repeatedly change channels. The listening person only has to be in receiving mode. The speaker is solely in sending mode, which is a relief, as they each only have to concentrate on one thing at a time.

That doesn’t mean that they have carte blanche. The person speaking is not allowed to verbally attack the listener. They must be aware of being the host, and must use a language that the guest can understand and accept. The listener, on the other hand, should keep all their wisdom, interpretations, ideas, and adversities to themselves. They should be aware of being a guest in another country, where they can get to know other cultures and customs, maybe even learn something about themselves and break down their prejudices.

Having conscious couples dialogues takes a little practice. And when the issues are difficult ones, for example, when you are fighting or are in the midst of a serious crisis, you will probably need the assistance of experienced therapists to succeed in dialogue. We’ve provided some exercises for you at the end of this chapter, with which you can try out the dialogue.