Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 7

According to a study, couples usually spend no more than two to four minutes a day discussing personal concerns. The rest of the time is spent exchanging various types of information regarding organizational matters, arguments, or power struggles. So, it’s not surprising that there are so many divorces and separations, even though we’ve known for many years now about the positive effect of active listening, using “I” messages in conversation, and communicating with respect and appreciation. In professional careers, these insights acquired through communications research became standard practice long ago. But what about love relationships?

Carla and Frederic are a couple. Whenever she asked him to do something, and he answered, “Sure, in a minute,” they argued. The reason? In Carla’s country, “Sure, in a minute” means, “right away.” But Frederic never fulfills her requests “right away.” In his country, “Sure, in a minute” has a different meaning. At their therapy session, he said: “I thought you knew when I say that, it’s my polite way of saying, ‘Not now. I’ll definitely do it, but only when it suits me.’” Two different worlds, two different customs.

It’s the many little arguments like these that cloud everyday life. How often does our partner react strangely or overreact to what we consider an innocuous statement, so that we are left wondering? But very seldom do we investigate the background for such a reaction. So, these situations are repeated again and again without being solved. In some cases, the misunderstandings become so vast that a crisis is inevitable.

Love is not a state but an activity. You don’t have to leave it to chance whether you’re lucky in love or not. You can take it into your own hands by actively shaping your relationship. These steps include engaging with your partner and trying to understand his or her world. In this book, you’ll find many suggestions. Here is one of the most important: Take a trip to your partner’s country.