Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 18

The bond between you and the person you chose as a partner is no accident. It’s deeper than you realize at first glance. Your subconscious makes sure that you fall in love with someone you’re not only optically attracted to, but who’s also compatible with your inner life. Your psyche is the result of all your positive and negative life experiences. The person you fall in love with might have experienced different things than you, but they lead to the same life topics. Your subconscious chooses according to these criteria, so there is a good chance that you will face the same problems when you switch partners.

Here’s an example:

Lena came to us for therapy because she and her husband Kurt had drifted apart after two years of marriage and the birth of a daughter. When Kurt slapped her in the face after another recurring quarrel, she drew the line. During a therapy session she said the following: “When I was a child, my mother beat me, and I certainly don’t want to live with a man who also beats me.” Lena and Kurt separated.

Half a year later – Lena was still in therapy – she fell in love with Fabian. “He’s so different,” she gushed. “He’s as soft and kind-hearted as a lamb.” Eight months later, the first love rush was over, first conflicts arose, and during a quarrel, Fabian hit Lena. What does that tell us? One of Lena’s central topics is violence. Her mother beat her, humiliated her, and even locked her in the basement. As an adult, for the second time, she had chosen a man for whom violence was also an issue. Both Kurt and Fabian had experienced beatings in their childhoods.

Lena left Fabian. “I’ve had enough of men,” she said, and stayed single for the next two years. Then Jakob arrived. Here, too, there were conflicts in the relationship, but they could be solved, and there was no violence. Lena became pregnant, and they had a daughter: Lena’s second, Jakob’s first child. When the little daughter was six months old, new conflicts arose. Lena accused Jake of preferring their child to Lena’s first daughter. As a result, Jakob refused to talk to her for a few days, which made Lena so furious, that she yelled at him, and in her despair she hit him.

She came to the therapy session terribly ashamed of herself. “That’s how my mother must have felt,” she said. “I have to resolve this issue with my mother, or I’ll always carry it around with me!” Lena’s mother refused to come to therapy, so Lena and Jakob decided on couples therapy. Both of them were able to resolve the issue of violence, since such assaults were nothing new to Jakob, as it turned out. To this day, ten years later, they stay in touch with us by writing how happy they are to have worked out and resolved this difficult life issue. They argue sometimes, but have found a way to handle the situations constructively.

We can’t escape from our problematic life issues. Even if, in the moment of conflict, breaking up seems like a relief and the most obvious solution, we recommend entering into a dialogue first, and making further decisions only afterward.