Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 15

The scene at the beginning of this chapter clearly describes what happens when two partners come from different countries. In Sabine’s country, multi-tasking is the issue: work, children, household. In Roland’s country, the issue is a busy therapy practice, with time for his children only during lunch break.

“When we got together in the evening, each of us was still trapped in their own country. Only because we, as therapists, know how important it is to listen to one another, did we both make an effort. But we were tired and unable to concentrate. We were unable to visit each other’s country.”

Then the first fighting words fell: “You’re not listening!” And the nagging because of a few crumbs was the last straw—basically, a typical situation both Roland and Sabine were well familiar with, because listening was not really a priority. In Sabine’s family, important matters were usually swept under the carpet, or only discussed when those involved were absent. In Roland’s family, the main topic of discussion was the family business. There was little room for personal matters.

“We should have made an agreement about who listens to whom, and when,” Roland said. “And I could have said: ‘Sabine, my dear, I’m tired, but I can see it’s important for you to tell me something. I suggest we take half an hour in which you can tell me everything, and I’ll pay close attention. And tomorrow evening, we’ll do it the other way around: I can talk, and you listen.’ That would have helped us to pay attention. We could have understood each other better, and both would have benefitted. But as it was, we ended our busy day with an argument, which cost us even more energy.“

What You Can Do

Try a mini-dialogue. Invite your partner to take part in an experiment. Take two chairs and sit facing each other, without a table or anything else between you. Relax your body, that is, don’t fold your arms, and maintain eye contact.

Use a timer—each of you is allowed to talk for five minutes, while the other one listens. Decide who speaks first and start with a simple subject. For example, I saw an older man in the subway who made me feel sad. Or: I had a funny dream last night. Or: I saw a film yesterday that touched me deeply. All of these are subjects that aren’t very ambitious to begin with, to ensure that your first dialogue is successful.

Agree on each saying a sentence the other one mirrors, beginning with: “I heard you saying….”, and ending with, “Did I get that?” When the sender feels he was correctly understood, he answers: “Yes, you got me.” If something important is missing, you say: “You got most of that, but what’s also important that you get, is…” And whatever is missing is mirrored again. After five minutes, you switch, regardless of the outcome.

After the two five-minute sessions, you both say: “The most important thing I got out of this conversation with you is….” It should be something constructive, nothing negative. Again, both parties should mirror this.

In the end, each of the parties should express appreciation for the other one, for example: “It felt so good that you listened to me with open, loving eyes.” Or: “I’m so glad that you told me about your experience in the subway, that you were so moved by it, and you let me see your tears.” Take at least an hour to mull over these mini-dialogues before you continue talking about them.

A crisis is often the result of important topics that have been avoided for too long between two people who are close to each other. Look for an Imago Therapist you feel confident with and, above all, be patient. Things took a long time to get shoved under the rug, so it will take some time to uncover them and resolve them properly.

Discover yourself. Take two chairs again and prepare everything as described for the “mini-dialogue.” Set the timer for thirty minutes and invite your partner to visit you. Choose an issue that has been on your mind lately, even if it has nothing to do with your partner.

Instead of describing the problem in detail, use the thirty minutes to figure out how this topic is connected with your history, childhood, or youth. Even if nothing comes up right away, allow yourself those thirty minutes. For the visiting partner, it’s important to be open. Even if you hear something you do not understand at all, mirror it lovingly and without further comment.

End the dialogue as described above.

We often receive recognition or appreciation from our partner without realizing it. Therefore, we suggest the following exercise:

Agree that for seven consecutive days, each of you will show appreciation or regard for the other, like commenting on something they did or a way that they behaved. Don’t say it in passing, but so that what you say is really heard. Ask your partner to mirror the appreciation.

Voice your appreciation, regardless of the daily situation, even if you’re not on the best terms at the moment. And in case your partner forgets, give them the chance to make up for it by doubling up the next day.