Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 9

The problem with conflicts and crises lies not in the issues themselves, but in the fact that they break the connection we have to one other. We wish that the other person would eventually turn into someone we’d like him or her to be, or that he or she would finally stop hurting us. But that doesn’t lead us anywhere. Such demands only lead to broken communication.

Imagine two people sitting opposite each other, but there is a curtain drawn between them, blocking their view of each other. They could move the curtain aside to re-establish contact, but they don’t do it. This is what happens in breakups. They don’t occur because one partner has a problem with the other one, but because they have lost contact with each other. That’s the fundamental realization you need to move forward. Lend each other your ear, even if sometimes it isn’t easy.

Martina and Gregor went to an Imago Couples Workshop, and a few days later to couples therapy. They had already set a divorce date, but wanted to understand why things had gone the way they did. They had three children and wanted to navigate the breakup successfully. They wanted to utilize the time before the divorce properly, or, as they said, spend the time having constructive conversations.

At the beginning of the session, both were quite tense, angry at each another, and desperate. We asked them to engage in a dialogue with each other. Martina expressed her great fear of divorce and of being treated unfairly. Gregor was irritated at first, but was eventually willing to listen. When Martina spoke about her childhood, how her father always demeaned her and she always felt like a fifth wheel, Gregor’s eyes filled with tears because he now saw his wife in a different light. The connection was restored, and at that moment, there was no talk of divorce.

Half an hour later, we asked Martina to listen to Gregor. He told of his fear that Martina would throw him out if they kept arguing. That situation reminded him of his childhood, when he was sent to boarding school because his parents had major conflicts. There was no place for him in the family, and he still felt the same way.

“All I want is to feel safe with you and have my place. I don’t even understand how the subject of divorce came up.”

To travel through the other person’s country and keep discovering new things requires a lot of attentiveness and openness to the fact that something surprising might arise at any time. Even if you have been married for twenty years or more, there’s still a lot to learn about each other. We often think we know our partner well. On the other hand, we believe the other one knows what our needs are without having to say a word about them. Some people even think that not knowing your partner’s wishes is evidence of a lack of love. But that’s one of the biggest mistakes.