Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 13

An essential part of Imago Couples Dialogue is active listening by repeating as precisely as possible what the other person has said. If you say to your wife: “I’m so frustrated that you have to go away for three days,” and your wife says: “I heard you say that you’re frustrated that I have to go away for three days,” she mirrored you perfectly.

You might think it’s a pretty strange way of speaking. Probably everyone feels the same way, the first time they are confronted with the principle of active listening. And it certainly would be strange if you asked your husband: “Darling, where did you park our car?” and your husband mirrored you by saying: “I heard you asking where I parked our car. Did I get you?” Such a situation requires nothing but a straightforward answer.

But if you want to address an important topic, then mirroring is an excellent tool for improving understanding and closeness. Brain research offers a good explanation of why this works. Researchers have discovered that someone being mirrored finds it easier to relax. It provides security and creates trust so that one is willing to dive deeper into the topic.

When Verena and Peter came to our office, Peter had severe burnout syndrome. He was head of a large company and thought it would be good idea to do couples therapy, as an entire workshop would take up too much time that he didn’t have. At the session, we asked Verena to mirror him. Peter protested. “That takes too much precious time; besides, I’m the one paying the bill here, and what good is it if someone just repeats what I say?”

Finally, he agreed, and Verena mirrored what she heard while looking into his eyes. “Did I get all of that?” she asked at the end. “You heard most of it,” Peter said. “I also said that I have the feeling my time is just running through my fingers, and with all the work, there’s nothing for me. All I do is function.” Verena mirrored his words, and suddenly, Peter’s eyes widened. “I don’t know why, but suddenly I feel incredibly sad, and I’m afraid to really feel it,” Verena mirrored. “You got me,” Peter said, “and now that I’ve said that, I also feel ashamed.” He was silent for a while, and then tears suddenly ran down his cheeks. “I have no idea why I’m crying,” he said, “but it feels good. I haven’t cried for thirty years.”

Weeks later, Peter told us that only through Verena’s attentive listening did he feel the security he needed. It was the only way he could unpack his deepest feelings. Peter was so impressed by the powerful effect of mirroring that he even introduced this technique to his company.