Читать книгу Lend me your ear and I'll give you my heart - Sabine Bösel - Страница 23

In the scene at the beginning of the chapter, Sabine and Roland are going through a power struggle: Sabine’s goal is freedom. She doesn’t want to be confined by Roland. She needs to feel that she can evolve. As he won’t accept that, she leaves him behind with his resentment and unhappiness.

Roland is also battling each time Sabine leaves. His goal is to have Sabine nearby because only in the vicinity of his loved ones can he recharge his batteries. He criticizes her, accuses her of infidelity, and refuses to accept her work for what it is.

Dear readers, you’re probably thinking: How can that ever work out when these two have such completely opposite goals? One of them needs freedom, the other one closeness? Well, Sabine and Roland’s relationship was on a rollercoaster for a while. But in the end, they took a close look at the reasons for their behavior and realized they genuinely are soulmates.

“I was an overprotected child,” Sabine explains, “probably because something really terrible happened before I was born. My sister, Ursula, fell from the window of our apartment and died.” A year later, when Sabine was born, everyone was thrilled. Her father once told her: “And then you arrived, and things were fine again.” But how can the birth of one child make up for the death of another one? In a way, Sabine was functionalized. She was looked upon as a replacement for her sister, and it was her job to cheer up her mother instead of just being herself.

“My mother went everywhere with me, and was always exceedingly careful; she watched every step I took with eagle eyes,” recounted Sabine. It goes without saying that this was the reason she reacted so sensitively when Roland tried to infringe on her freedom. “As a child, I constantly felt this atmosphere of sadness, pain, and guilt. I learned that closeness was something stressful and depressing; I urgently need freedom.”

As a child, Roland’s needs and fears were not noticed either. His parents, besides having four children, had to operate a large butcher’s business. They were so preoccupied with their work that there was very little time for cozy family get-togethers.

“I felt very alone,” Roland said. “I was extremely happy when my mother was around, and it was harrowing for me every day when she left me alone again to go to work. It always felt like an eternity before she returned home.”

Now you can imagine why Roland reacted so sensitively when Sabine repeatedly went out to work with her colleagues in the evening. “I learned that my needs are only met when someone is with me. I didn’t have confidence that Sabine would come back, so I reacted with alarm when she left.”

Both Sabine and Roland had loving parents. However, they did not get enough nurturing attention. Their fears and desires were never noticed enough. That’s the deep kinship of souls connecting them. Only the strategies they both developed were different. By realizing their kinship, they learned to understand each other and meet each other in the middle.

What You Can Do

Individual exercises

Pay attention to yourself for two or three days, to observe which issues concern you especially; maybe even upset you. Where do you place your attention? For example, when out on a walk you might notice a crying child more readily than the trees blooming by the side of the road. Jot down your observations and glance at your notes again a couple of days later. Group similar issues together. Could these issues date from your childhood or youth? What issues did you encounter in the first years of your life? Find someone you know who you can talk to. Take care that this is a person who treats you lovingly and above all, listens to you instead of giving you advice. Ask the person to listen to you and possibly mirror you (see Chapter 1).

List the times of crisis in your life. Name them and organize them approximately by date. Start with the present and go back to your birth. You can use what you remember or what you were told.

Then think about how the crisis changed your life or how you evolved. What has stayed the same and is still repeating itself?

Look at your previous relationships. Which issues that you might know from your childhood or youth are repeating themselves in your current relationship? This is not so much about real situations that repeat themselves, but rather about the issue embedded in them. For example, I often argue with my partner about money. In my family of origin, there was an abundance of money. For him, money was also an issue, but because there wasn’t enough of it.

Do I know my so-called trigger words? Trigger words are terms to which we respond inappropriately, by being defensive of an attack. Examples can include:

“Do you love me?”

“When will we finally get married?”

“We should visit my parents again.”

“It’s time to tighten your belt.”

“I want to know what you think.”

“Work first, then play.”

“You’re not listening to me.”

“You’re like…”

“You don’t want to sleep with me.”

“It’s always about sex.”

Make your own list and then explore: What injuries and unpleasant experiences are causing you to react so strongly today?

Exercises together

Ask your partner to talk with you about all the deliberations, thoughts, and experiences you had. Always choose only one issue per talk.

Take half an hour and tell your partner about the wonderful experiences you had in your childhood. Which caregivers were especially nurturing and supportive, and who were your role models? If you have a photo album, show your partner photos from your childhood and youth.

Visit places together that were important in your childhood or youth. This may include playgrounds or schools, vacation sites, or homes you lived in. Tell your partner what it was like for you to have been there. What was good, what was perhaps difficult? This is a way of showing your partner the outer world you lived in, giving them the opportunity to understand and experience your inner life.