Читать книгу How to Deal With Difficult People - Ursula Markham, Ursula Markham - Страница 17

Whatever your personality and however you react to difficult people, the pattern will have been set many years ago, probably in early childhood. People and events over which you had no control will have conspired – often unwittingly – to create the self-image with which you have grown up. And if you are someone who finds it impossible to stand up to difficult people or to handle them in a satisfactory way, your self-esteem is likely to be lower than it should be. The good news is that it does not have to stay that way. It is possible at any stage in life to improve your self-image and increase your confidence.

Let’s have a look at some of the most common reasons for a poor self-image and see whether you can relate to any of them.

The first people with whom you formed any kind of relationship were your mother and father (or those who stood in that position). From their attitude towards you and their opinion you will have formed a view about yourself and your ‘value’. Some parents, of course, are deliberately unkind to their children, inflicting mental, physical or emotional damage. Fortunately, however, such parents make up only a small minority. But it is all too possible for the kindest and most well-meaning of adults to inflict harm, too – although they would probably be shocked if they knew they had done so. Those who are over-protective, doing everything for their child and fighting all his battles, may create an adult who has learned to be so dependent that he is quite unable to stand on his own feet. Those who care and provide for their children but find it difficult to be demonstrative (possibly due to defects in their own upbringing) may cause those children to believe that they are unworthy of love and affection – unlovable in fact.

A small child will think that his parents know everything and are perfect in every way. If one or both of those parents does not show love and affection, the child will form the inner belief that he is unworthy of such love and his self-esteem will develop (or not) accordingly. Similarly, the adult who thinks he will spur his child on by telling him that he is ‘stupid’ or ‘could do much better’ will, in fact, demolish the poor child’s belief in himself and his abilities until he either refuses to try or sets about everything in so half-hearted a fashion that he is bound to fail – thereby reinforcing the already negative self-image.

There may be elements in a child’s upbringing that are no one’s ‘fault’ but that still have a traumatic effect on his belief in himself. If one of these ‘wonderful’ parents leaves home or is away for any length of time, a child will usually believe that he is to blame and that, had he been ‘better’, the family could have remained complete. I have had more than one patient, now adult, who can accept logically that he or she was not responsible for one parent leaving the family home but who still finds it difficult to come to terms emotionally with the guilt experienced.

Sometimes the parting is quite unintentional. Perhaps one parent has to go away to work, goes into hospital – or even dies. It’s not all that long ago that a whole generation of fathers left home because they were conscripted to fight a war. The logical explanation for the leave-taking does not seem to make a difference to the young child and, unless he is handled carefully with love and understanding, a pattern of negativity about his own worth can be formed.

An unsettled childhood can also affect the future adult. If the family move home frequently during the early years so that the child is compelled to go to new schools and find new friends at regular intervals, he may grow up to find it difficult to form relationships with others. Then, when he looks around and sees (as it seems to him) that no one else has this problem, he feels inferior and inadequate where other people are concerned.

There are some children who sail happily through life at boarding school – but there are others who find it lonely, frightening and distressing. If you were part of the latter group, the traumatic effect of being sent away for so much of the time can last well beyond schooldays.

We are all programmed in some way – sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. If a child is told often enough, ‘You will never be as clever as your sister,’ that statement will become the truth. Think of all the people who claim ‘I could never learn to speak Spanish; I’m useless at languages.’ The truth is that, provided they have no real learning problems, there is no reason at all why they could not learn another language if they wish to do so. After all, had they been born in Madrid they would have been chattering away in that tongue from the age of one or two. Every time any one of us repeats a negative statement about ourselves – whether we say it aloud or simply think it – we are reinforcing this negative programming.

But if negative programming works, surely positive programming must work too. The process is the same; only the words or thoughts change. Just as it is possible to re-record over an audio or video cassette or a computer disk, you can re-record over past programming, thereby bringing about a change in your own self-image.

Why should you bother? What does it matter if your self-image is not as good as it could be? And what has all this to do with dealing with difficult people?

If you haven’t a strong belief in yourself and a reasonable amount of self-esteem, you are going to accept whatever negative words others throw at you. And if you accept these words without question and without seeing the reality of the situation, you are going to be unable to respond as you should in order to cope with the situation.