Читать книгу The Colors Of A Optimistic World - Logan J. Davisson - Страница 10

If you find it hard to say "no" every now and then, you often spend your time with things or people you would otherwise avoid. You may know that from yourself: How many times have you worked overtime for someone else because you couldn't refuse? How many dates have you been persuaded to date? How many times have you donated money to charities because you couldn't say "no" to the friendly representative at your front door? How many removals have you had to take part in, how many boring events have you been bored with and how many of your beloved things have you lent? All because you're always polite and don't want to offend anyone.

The whole thing has an unpleasant consequence: If it is always only about what others want and never about what you really think, then move away from yourself. Alienation takes place and your self-confidence suffers as a result. As time goes by, it even gets worse. In the truest sense of the word, they get used to always saying "yes" and to losing out themselves. On the other hand, the people who take advantage of it are getting a better sense of when they can use you for their purposes. That sounds hard, but it actually is.

For all these reasons it is very healthy for your self-confidence to say "no" again. This is not about categorically rejecting everything. It is about seriously questioning whether you really want what you are being asked to do. A self-confident person thinks and acts in his own interest. Accordingly, you should also begin to do this.

At this point there are often misunderstandings, so here comes an all-clear: No, it doesn't make you a bad person when you think of yourself. It doesn't make you selfish. So you don't have to feel guilty. On the contrary! People who want to take advantage of your weakened self-confidence should be ashamed. If someone really needs your help and it is a serious matter, you are of course welcome to help with words and deeds. If it is not an emergency, you have the right to ask yourself whether you really want to say "yes". In astonishingly many situations you will find that this is not the case. As you learned earlier in this e-book, it is not important what others think about you. First and foremost, every person is responsible for himself. This applies not only to you, but of course also to your fellow human beings. Whether you are kind enough to take on some of the responsibility of another person is entirely up to you. But always keep in mind that self-confidence is about you and your interests, not what others want.

The whole thing is probably easier said than done. Sometimes it can be very unpleasant to refuse a request or an invitation. That's why some people make the mistake of breaking their heads through the wall to get it over with somehow. They are rude, undiplomatic and hurt or annoy their fellow men. It doesn't have to be. You can make it easy on yourself. Just be honest and stand up for your interests. When someone asks you if you can take his shift at work, you just say, "I'm sorry, but I have plans." You don't have to tell your counterpart what you're going to do. You're not accountable to anyone. If the person doesn't let go, you can still become more specific and say, "I'm not on duty at the time and don't want to go to work either." Those who resent you have a problem with themselves, but not with you. That's why you can't care, even if it sounds selfish at first. The exception, of course, would be again if this were an emergency.

Do not be afraid to be honest and stand up for your interests. After all, it's about your valuable and limited lifetime. You should spend your time only with the things you are really interested in. Given the fact that there are already so many everyday commitments that prevent us from doing so, don't let others steal you more time.

If in doubt, just go the diplomatic way. Start your rejection with "don't take it personally, but...". Then something follows, like:

- "...I don't want that."

- "...I already have something else in mind."

- "...it just doesn't fit."

Make it clear to your fellow human beings that you do not like them any less and do not want to offend them personally, but are simply not interested in doing what they are trying to impose on you. I just can't blame you for that. And even if someone isn't emotionally mature enough to accept that, that's not your problem. A self- confident person overlooks it and continues to stand by himself and his attitude.

Try it out. Just say "no." Nothing can happen. Then you will find that you feel liberated and a little proud of yourself.