Читать книгу The Colors Of A Optimistic World - Logan J. Davisson - Страница 20

We are balanced when we are completely with ourselves and pursue our individual goals, live in our rhythm and follow our own ideas - in other words, live very attentively. Of course, we can look for the reasons for our own imbalance in external factors, but this usually only helps us to a limited extent. You find your job too nerve- wracking? Then you may have been thinking about changing your job for some time. If you are already in a bad mood when thinking about your colleagues, a new workplace with a new environment can help. Can: After all, you don't know whether the new colleagues are really nicer. So in most cases it is not enough to change the external factors that contribute to a stressful everyday life, but a large part of our inner balance depends on internal factors, i.e. thought constructs.

Accordingly, this book is dedicated to external factors and their optimization, but above all to changing unconscious and conscious thought processes. If ten people wait at a bus stop and the bus seems to be waiting forever, this does not cause frustration for all ten people and in this case these ten people cannot change the external stress factor (the bus arriving too late). One or the other may call a taxi, some scold each other and others don't seem to stress the situation. So the secret lies not in the situation itself, but in how we deal with it. There are various mental constructs that contribute to a stressful everyday life. In this chapter we will take a closer look at the most common of these mental constructs, but first we will look at the changes in external factors.

The external factors change

There are people who can sit in a cloud of mosquitoes and still enjoy the sunset. You don't have to be this kind of person unless you want to become a Buddhist monk. What I want to say is that there are situations in which it is worthwhile to change the external factors. For some this conscious change may seem like an escape, for others it is the basis for a relaxed everyday life. It is much harder to enjoy the sunset when you are bitten by a mosquito every minute. It may help to find a new seat or to use mosquito spray. Even if the change of mental constructs is very effective, we can still make the external factors as pleasant as possible.

Take at least 30 minutes to write down which external factors tempt you to cherish negative emotions and to go into a state of stress. This may be the eternally nagging boss, the unhealthy diet, the noisy neighbours, the broken car or the missing holiday. In a second step, consider which of these factors you could change for the better. Changing these factors ultimately has an impact on your thinking. Let us assume, for example, that the seemingly endless chaos in your home regularly causes you stress. Of course you could now meditate on it and come to terms with the situation, but you could also radically get rid of it. When you clean out the mess, many emotions will come up and you will consider new strategies to avoid the next chaos. You thus create the basis for more order, take the additional step of changing your behaviour (less shopping) and give yourself the opportunity to deal with the reasons for the chaos. And exactly this kind of reflection is the third step: How could the uncomfortable external factors/situations arise and how could you avoid this in the future, so what have you learned from it?

Finding out unconscious thought patterns

A large part of our thoughts is unconscious and arises subconsciously. That means we can't just say to each other, "Oh, yeah, I didn't want to get under any deadline pressure anymore." Unfortunately, it's not that simple. But we can try to find out more and more about our unconscious thought patterns by taking a closer look at the situations in which we react with stress and other negative emotions. An example: It drives you mad, if your child really wants to discuss the necessity of brushing his teeth every morning and evening with excessive discussions. Most situations can be turned to the positive much more effectively with composure and a clear head than under pressure and stress. Finding out here why the behaviour of another person brings up such feelings in us can bring us more relaxation. For the more conscious we become of our partially unconscious thought processes, the more relaxed we can deal with the corresponding situation.

In the case of the stubborn brushing refusenik it could be his own fear of the dentist, the fear of the judgement of other people ("The child has bad teeth, it is the parents' fault!"), the fear of the lack of influence on the child or something completely different! What are your Top 5 situations in which you react very quickly to stress and irritation? Take some time to write down the fears that may lurk behind these negative emotions. Often it is the fear of lack of recognition, of social decline or change. All fears have a small common core: lack of self- confidence. Learning self-confidence is a lifelong task and every conflict allows us to expand this self-confidence a little. What are your fears? In the section about the different methods of strengthening inner balance you will find some inspirations to overcome the most common fears.

Obstructive thoughts: Inability

Fears arise when we believe in certain thoughts. If, for example, you believe that you are incapable of mastering a particular challenge, then that is true in this case. Because you are not able to free yourself from your hindering thoughts to solve the problem. Most of the time, we have been cherishing these obstructive thoughts not only since yesterday, but for many, many years already, and that is why we do not notice them any further. They are practically part of the mental inventory and we act according to them. If, for example, we consider ourselves incapable, we take the opportunity to break new ground, learn new things and thus learn the skills necessary for positive change. If you observe yourself for a while, you should listen to the next fit of rage or the next stressful situation to see which beliefs are buried deep in your thoughts. This may not work right away, but if you reflect on your behavior over and over again, you will come closer and closer to your beliefs.

You've been wanting to start your own business for a long time, but you're thinking, "I can't do that anyway!" Then ask yourself why exactly you think you can't. After all, being able to be self-employed is no longer a secret art, but can be professionally prepared and put into practice by going through specialist literature, coaching and seminars. The facts speak 99% against your assumption of being incapable, so it must be a hidden fear. Is it the fear of failure, the fear of public defeat or the fear of change? These are all quite normal fears, which are more or less in each of us and which have to be overcome! In the practical part of this book you will find suggestions for overcoming various fears.

Hindering Thoughts: Perfectionism

Those who are internally balanced are not afraid of perfectionism. What's the matter with you? Because there is no room for fear of mistakes, because mistakes are no longer necessarily perceived as negative cuts, but as learning opportunities and challenges for further development. Of course we should invest a lot of energy in our professional and private projects and give our best, but this does not save us from mistakes. We are all human beings and should celebrate imperfection as of today, because it makes our lives exciting and shows us our development possibilities.

Socially, mistakes are not welcome. But who is internally balanced, does not concentrate on the judgement of other people, but on his own judgement and that can be quite positive despite a mistake. Instead of running after eternal perfectionism and stonewalling yourself for mistakes, you should rather ask yourself why you make this mistake at all? Let's say you regularly make mistakes in your tax return. Maybe you just don't have a lot of motivation to do your tax return? This is not necessarily surprising, but also in other situations mistakes can point us to unnoticed needs and wishes: You're regularly late for work. Ok, traffic can be a possible reason, but maybe this job hasn't been demanding you for a long time, the working atmosphere is bad or the payment unfair.

Perfectionism in most cases keeps us from remaining flexible, from questioning ourselves and from seeing our mistakes as opportunities for learning and development. Yes, development usually also means change and this can have a frightening effect on some people. But why not try something new?

Obstructive thoughts: Boundlessness

Most people who are not relaxed know this thought and it has far-reaching consequences. Boundlessness in professional life is expressed by the desire to please the boss, in particular, regardless of one's own needs. Overtime is no longer a rarity, and leisure time and private life are now a priority far behind work. When we fall into such structures, we usually accept ourselves as extremely diligent and committed. But what added value does this behaviour based on the idea of sacrifice actually have for us in the long term? A small, because permanent stress can have serious consequences for mental and physical health.

As soon as we no longer consciously perceive our limits and begin to sacrifice ourselves for the goals of another human being, we ignore our own needs. Of course, the boss lures with a promotion and a better working position, but at what price? Would you use this commitment and this boundless sacrifice also for the realization of your own goals or is it perhaps about the recognition of a supposedly "better-off" person? The moment we begin to ignore our own limitations and work excessively hard to realize other people's dreams, we should take a step back and ask ourselves why we see this work as our first priority. Not infrequently it is not the joy of working itself that is behind it, but complexes and fears. The fear of social decline, the fear of being valued only for performance, or the fear of endangering supposedly important relationships.

Setting healthy personal limits is an expression of self-confidence and a strong sense of self-esteem, because only in very few cases do other people pay attention to setting healthy limits for them - and that is correct, because it is your task to set and adhere to these limits. Now you might think, "Overtime and extra work are my only chance to improve my professional position!" - No, I'm not. Why not simply use the time of overtime to further your education privately or to gain further qualifications? Stubborn ambition will rarely bring you to your goal and if you are willing to devote a lot of time to changing your professional position anyway, then please do so effectively and with added value!

Obstructive thoughts: Showing commitment

At the moment when the recognition and opinion of outside persons becomes more important than one's own judgement, we disregard our individual personal limits. The opinions of other people can be varied: "Children should be in kindergarten at the age of one year", "Those who do not get involved socially at least once a week do not deserve a place in our society". Or "One should be reasonably dressed." Of course it is nice to have your place in society, to be liked by the neighbours and to be appreciated by the family, but what is this recognition worth if we consider our own opinion and our own way of life to be less valuable? It is certainly praiseworthy to ensure that the children go to the ballet and that the dog attends the dog school on Saturdays. If you then add regular social commitment, parents' evenings, Pilates courses, kindergarten parties, company celebrations and the like, then the year is quickly planned out without you having to decide for yourself.

As soon as we realize that a certain activity puts us under stress and pressure, we should ask ourselves why we want to participate in this activity in the first place. Is it really our interest in the activity itself or do we just follow the opinion of other people? At these points, listen to yourself again and again to find out what motivates you to pursue exactly these activities. Are they fears of missing the boat or of not meeting social expectations? What about your very own opinion on these issues? Some superfluous activities can simply be removed from the schedule and for other activities wonderful alternatives can be found. Commitment is important when there is time and peace for it. What is more important than commitment? Your health, your relaxation and your happiness.

Obstructive thoughts: Self-doubt

I can't do that or others can do it better? Have you ever had such a thought? Then the self-doubt gnaws at you and can bring your inner balance quite beautifully out of balance. Self-doubt can manifest itself in many different ways. While one is hesitant to apply for a better position due to "lack of qualifications", the next is hesitant to approach the management of a private or professional project because "others can certainly do better". Yes, there will always be someone who has better qualifications or could manage a project better, but the fact is: you can do it too.

We are all creatures capable of learning and have an unbelievable number of opportunities for further education and training at their disposal. So it is not the challenge itself that disturbs you, but rather your self-doubt that keeps you from taking the first step in the right direction. What tasks and challenges have you not accepted in your life due to self-doubt? And for what reason? Often the fear of failing and of not being up to a task is behind the self-doubt. However, this is rarely related to the actual abilities and skills!

How are self-doubt and inner balance connected? The more balanced you become - for example through the methods proposed in this book - the sooner you will be able to unmask the hidden fears behind your excuses and devote yourself to realizing your dreams. With a growing focus on your own needs, you will learn to distinguish self-doubts/fear from actual lack of knowledge or skills. Then you are one step closer to realizing your actual wishes. The deep dissatisfaction caused by self-doubt is definitely an enemy of inner balance!

Converting obstructive thoughts

To recognize these hindering thoughts, of which there is of course much more than described in this book, is the first step. The next step is to find the reason for these negative mental patterns and the third step is to establish positive mental patterns. This sequence can be mastered by mindfulness. Mindfulness can be integrated into everyday life in a variety of ways, as experienced in the presentation of the various methods for greater inner balance later in the book.

At the beginning, it is probably very difficult in a situation where you are under acute stress, where the sequence of "recognizing thoughts, finding reasons, transforming thoughts" becomes an almost insoluble task. In such stressful situations, they act not from a relaxed position, but from the instinct-controlled escape mode. So you will not be able to get out of this situation with mindful thoughts without a little practice, even if it is your goal to experience more inner balance in everyday life.

So my tip is to do some preliminary work here and dedicate yourself to some mindfulness and reflection exercises every day. In this way, you will practise being consciously aware of yourself every day, fathoming your own fears and recognising the various mental patterns. The more you know about yourself and the reasons for your ways of thinking and behaving, the easier it is to change them for the better. But before you start your practice, you should get a little involved with the topic of how new habits should be integrated into everyday life!