Читать книгу From Me To We - Toni-Marie Taherian - Страница 11

Illusions commend themselves to us because they save us pain and allow us to enjoy pleasure instead. We must therefore accept it without complaint when they sometimes collide with a bit of reality against which they are dashed to pieces._–Sigmund Freud

In the first stages of the relationship, you may both be uncertain about becoming exclusive. Many couples think that if they are uncertain, it means that they are not right for each other. This sabotages the potential for a great relationship before it even gets off the ground. Once love begins, it takes on a life of its own; fear and doubt take over and one of you may become afraid and get cold feet. Questions such as, ‘Can I trust this person with my heart?’ or ‘Am I ready for love?’ or ‘Will I lose my independence?’ can cloud your judgement. This can make either of you sabotage a good thing by withdrawing and eliminating what is essential for love: recognition, attention, energy and true commitment. Usually, some amount of attention is required to keep the relationship at a comfortable and controllable level. Some may pull out completely, refusing to invest any time, care or energy in to the relationship. This causes the flame to burn out, killing the relationship all together. It is natural to act on blind fear and to begin to observe how everything plays a part in ruining your life by keeping intimacy at bay. Having second thoughts, retractions, blowing hot and cold, are all your ego’s way of re-stabilising once the illusion of separation has been threatened by love’s burning desire. This stage is full of doubts and insecurities.

It is possible to move through uncertainty without jeopardising the possibility of becoming exclusive. Move through the uncertain stage by welcoming his advances without feeling obligated. It is vital to have a healthy attitude, high self-esteem, and to be flattered by the attention he lavishes on to you. The initial excitement of attraction will eventually wear off; so this is a perfect time for both of you to become more deeply interested in each other.

Having doubts is natural. As a relationship gets off the ground, tread lightly and you will set yourself up for greater things to come. Most men cannot decide which they want more, intimacy or independence. If the closeness is fulfilling, he will begin to go through an inner shift. This puts pressure on him to decide whether or not he wants to focus on specifically being with you, and then the panic sets in. To most men, commitment means giving up something they love; whether it be friends, football or other women. Realising that he may be falling for you could cause him to feel imbalanced, creating an urge to distance himself. This need for space is most probably a temporary situation to regain his independence and sense-of-self. Sometimes he needs this time to be alone, only responsible for himself, to be able to re-establish his personal boundaries. To a certain extent, he loses himself through connecting with you. Again, when he feels the need for love, he returns a changed man with an increased desire for you, wanting to pick the relationship up where you left it off. If you respect his space, he will care for you more and consequently feel more in tune with you, or even feel that he cannot live without you. This happens even to emotionally healthy men who want to be sure their identities are intact once they enter the relationship.

If you can understand his behaviour without reacting in a way that confirms his fears, he will begin to come around. Many women tend to misunderstand this need for space and begin to panic, sabotaging the relationship in many ways. Do not view this aloofness as a result of something you may have done wrong that has caused his anger or frustration. Respect his privacy and create a physical space where he can regain his independence and decide on a plan of action. Do not worry that he has lost interest, which may drive you to chase him or give more of yourself emotionally or physically. This only increases his need to escape. This is the exact point where you need to completely resist the urge to pursue him. Give him the space so he becomes even more interested in you.

When he comes back, do not punish him for becoming distant, as the fear of rejection can prevent him from returning. The ‘manly man’ has no problem distancing himself; he just finds it hard to open up once he comes back to you. If he stops distancing himself, he misses the opportunity to feel his own passionate longing for love. Do not question him about his feelings and the relationship. Try to remain friendly and positive, even when you feel ignored. Do not worry that you have done something to cause him to temporarily stay away. Do not push him to share his feelings with you; instead, tell him about yours. Demanding that he opens up may make his mind go blank or result in resistance to what feels like the pressure of your demands. If you manage to make him feel accepted, he will gradually open up. If you have no demands for him to talk, he will do it naturally.