Читать книгу From Me To We - Toni-Marie Taherian - Страница 19

The first duty of love is to listen. –Paul Tillich

Listening is the way to enter his spirit and lure him out of self-obsession. Rather than volunteer information, try to understand him by listening to him. Understand what makes him lose his ability to think straight and to fall for you. Armed with such information, you can provide him with focused and individualised attention, a rare commodity in the world. Rather than judge him, try to figure out why he acts the way he does. Most people will see him only from behind the screen of their own prejudices. Avoid clouding your attention with assumptions about what he is trying to say, what he really means, or what he wants you to do. Assumptions are often inaccurate and prevent you from focusing on what is being said. Truly listening helps you to collect data and stop the assumptions; as long as you are assuming, you are not listening. Ask questions and clarify what he says; this makes you an active, interested listener.

Acting on assumptions is dangerous. Do not try to impress him, especially without gathering specific data; maybe he does not like the image you are trying to present. He will not always tell you who he is. What he will say is what he wants you to believe, either to fool you, to benefit from you, or out of insecurity. Make him aware that you are listening as well as understanding exactly what he is saying.

Getting under his skin is the first step to attracting him to the beauty of your soul. True listening is the ability to hear him without judging him. Make him feel safe in your presence by allowing him to feel that he is truly accepted. This makes him feel wonderful. Totally engage yourself in him as if he is the most fascinating person you have ever met, and watch as his comfort levels increase. There is no better gift than providing him with your undivided attention. Relate to him and receive his full heart and trust by showing a support by being an open and neutral listener. This will allow him to find respite in your presence. Do not pretend to listen or agree with him superficially. He will probably sense that you are waiting for an opportunity to say what you have reviewed in your head while he was talking, which creates a bad impression. Do not change the subject, as it may appear that you are not listening. Make comments about the same subject if he stops or pauses. Listening is your opportunity to collect information on him. Do not miss the critical signs imperative to attracting him. Develop the ability to listen with your whole body and soul. Pay attention to the tone of his voice, his gestures, any offhand comments he makes, nervous movements as he talks, and particularly to anything he denies or feels uncomfortable discussing with you, or anything that makes him emotional. All these things are communicating a message to you.

Look beyond his social exterior rather than at his obvious traits, and do not focus on his character flaws. Do not hold on to what he says but rather concentrate on what he means. If his actions and words are not consistent, then in most cases the words become less reliable. Everyone is guilty of lying to themselves at some stage in their lives. Do not take his words at face value. His actions signal to the details of what he is lacking, as they escape his conscious control.

Pinpoint his weaknesses and the feelings he most enjoys. Most importantly, learn to analyse emotional responses and see what lies behind them. If he is defensive, what is he getting defensive about? Many statements he makes or especially overemphasises on may in fact be the opposite of what he means. This could be because he is hiding the disappointment of not quite getting what he wanted or wants. If he hates something, he hates something that is part of him. Do you see his weakness? Look out for the slip of the tongue, often called a Freudian slip. Freud explained that what people say are clues to subconscious conflicts. He was interested in the jokes his clients told. In fact, he felt that almost everything had a meaning. It was a serious source of study for him to decode the meaning behind dialling a wrong number, making a wrong turn or even misspelling a word.

Listen closely for recurring themes and stories he is telling you. Everything means something, his shopping habits, the clothes he wears, his taste in decoration, his jobs and hobbies. Familiarise yourself with his greatest loves, hates and dreams, they are all full of meaning. What does he say about the things he enjoys? Why does he enjoy them? Look at the books that he reads (or pretends he is reading). Do not only listen to his spoken words, analyse his body language too. Take it all in, his body language, what he says and how he says it. Read and analyse his attitude and emotions. Action speaks louder than words, and so many of us hold on to words.